I CEASE TO CARE

I hopped by Shai's blog, and found out that she embedded the api-pelita youtube video in one of her entry.  Upon watching it for the first time after repeated radio listening session, the image of Azlan the typewriter guy with his baseball cap reminded me to someone - and then I realised that 'that' someone turns out to be P-Ahmad2.  The image of P-Ahmad2 in my head is always with his baseball cap, and thin and tall structure, with that pipi cekung kind of feature.

It's been a while since I last ignored his calls and SMSes and he went on 'kappoff', as if finally understanding the avoidance gesture.

And today, he SMSed.  Last few weeks, when Dora asked me if P-Ahmad2 still contacted me, boastfully I said that "Naaahh, he didn't.  Life is so much full without that kind of distraction."  And amazingly, the next day, he contacted me.  It is as if he got that transmitter thing that sensed 'Hey, I know you're thinking about me' kind of thing.  It's like the brain electromagnetic wave thing, you think of somebody and your thoughts are emitted to that person signalling them to think about you in return.  Maybe next time I should be thinking of Michael Scofield more often.  Who knows, maybe I will receive a text saying 'congratulations, romantic getaway dinner with Michael Scofield / Wentworth Miller'.  ~~~Drool~~~

The thing with P-Ahmad2 is that, if he's pursuing friendship, then I'll accept him with open arms (metaphorically speaking).  But if he approach me again with that sayang-rindu kind of shennanigans, then, sorry, goodbye - I can't afford to bear another drama with somebody else's wife or girlfriends blaming me for things that I didn't commit.  I'm on the mediocre terms, remember.

Even if the 'sayang-rindu' term is just main-main-gurau-gurau, if I were somebody else's wife, I ain't letting my husband do the 'sayang-rindu' thing with other woman but me.

*   *   *

On another note, Mr A dia dah pandai buruk sangka dengan aku.

Kan aku dah kata, aku dah buat tembok tinggi besar tinggi sebab aku dah tak mau rasa apa-apa lagi.  Aku tak lagi mesej dia panjang berjela waktu aku emo - upon his request.  Aku malas ambil tau kalau dia dah tidur atau tak - upon his action.  Aku tak kuasa lagi nak tau dia kerja atau pun melanguk macam selalu - upon his own decisions.

I cease to care.
I am beginning to feel numb to these feelings.  Macam immuned.  Macam doktor cucuk kau dengan jarum 3cm, sakit, tapi kau buat muka stone, pandang depan, without any facial expression.  Emotionally, that's how I felt.  Aku rasa it's called maturity.

Dan bila aku dah menjauh, waktu itu baru dia mau mendekati,

Kalau dulu, mau 10 raga dah aku maki dia dalam blog ini.

I no longer blog like I used to.  Macam kata fairy, dah kurang rencah macam dulu - by which aku bagi 100 markah kerana sangat peka.

Back then, waktu emo adalah waktu paling sesuai untuk blogging.  Every words is crafted with pure emotions.  Kalau baca balik entry lama, the emotions will seep through my veins, reminded me how much pain or happiness incurred at that particular point.

But the pureness of emotions backfires me - when all I wanted to do is to have my say when I don't have any realistic space to blurt my point of view.  Because certain things does hurt.  I still need to release certain issue out of my system, and if it have the potential to hurt other people, do you go straight to that person and tell them those hurtful things?  No, kan...  Unless if you have a heart as dry as a dessert, and as hard as a diamond.

What happens to me and my blog back then is that one girl says that I write things that I'm not supposed to write.  But, ironically, they talk about things that is claimed 'not appropriate' to write about.

And that girl said that I jeopardise the trust by writing in my blog, by which no office people knew about but her, and yet, she steals my idea and jeopardise my trust in public - which she think is OK..

Then, this jerk who found about my blog upon accessing through my office PC in one occasion, and used my writings as a mean to approach me in a manner favoured by me.  He knew about my weaknesses, he knew my desires - and at some some point, talking with him is like talking with someone who can read your mind.  It is as if dia memahami segalanya pasal kau.  I thought "Oh my God, he is like an angel yang Tuhan turunkan dari langit untuk dipasangkan dengan aku, he is like missing pieces of my jigsaw puzzle, so sempurna" when all this while, he's just a poser who happens to be reading my blog.  And that explains why he know so much about me.

And do I need to say more about that crazy jealous girlfriends who misinterpreted every single entry, nampak yang buruk saja, and uses it as a mean to hurt me more when the only one person needs to be castrated is just their boyfriend?

Mungkin, bila dah tua bangka ni, you tend to ignore those little things that you used to think is important.  What happens when I'm strucked with certain event is that I hold the issue, and just delayed the entry, and by the time I feel like writing, the issue already dissipates that you don't feel like writing about it anymore.

As of now, I prefer 'me' to be a mystery, and 'them' to be just a mediocre stories.  Spare me the drama.  

Nota kaki : blog lama dah delete.  Not the old-old one.  But the not so old one.  The one in between.  And the one where I'm stucked in between phase.  It's too ugly that I felt no regret deleting it.