Void Universe

Have you ever woken up to the feeling that yesterday was so far away? That at that point everything seems like nothing? That you walk into a room full of people who barely understands you, let alone you understands them. You are in a town dense with population, yet you felt like you are on your own. It is the day your body react autonomously and you've become robotic. Emotionless. That every dynamics of your body is working against your will -- doing what is right, yet yearning for the opposite.

It is the day you become a grumpy party pooper for any silliness that once made your heart laugh with joy. You watched the movie 'Lost is Translation' and concluded how ridiculous the movie is -- yet deep down you know the essence of the movie is exactly how you feel right now -- which got you thinking if you too are becoming a ridiculous being?

You are breathing, yet you are suffocated. It irked you that you sprayed a whole lot of your favourite fragrance -- yet as you walk out and let the air breeze sweep you, you smelt nothing. Your sight, your senses -- all felt nothing.

Numbness. Like a void space of universe is now densed in your head. Numb.

Heart

Hati saya dah tak ada dekat sini.

Perks

Kalau semua pun bahaya, mungkin yang paling selamat ialah jangan pegi mana-mana, duduk diam-diam dalam rumah, bungkus diri dalam selimut tebal-tebal dan tengok siling?

Oh lupa, dekat sini ada gempa bumi.

Where were you for the past 25 weeks? Waktu hidung berdarah? Waktu gusi berdarah? Waktu muntah malam-malam hari? Waktu kaki bengkak? Waktu kaki cram? Waktu perut keras pusing kanan pusing kiri tak pusing semua serba tak kena? Waktu pitam tak kena tempat? It will always be  "Oh, biasalah semua tu, mengandung. Enjoy the moment."

And waktu doktor dah bagi green light, waktu tiket flight tengah murah -- out of the blues, for this bloody 7 hours flight, it goes "Bahaya, tak selesa, tak selamat."

I sat in this bloody lab for 9 straight hours most of the time, dude. I skipped my usual rice lunch and replace with bread kind of lunch because doc says my weight is gaining a wee bit drastically. I walked back and forth from school to home -- naik bukit turun bukit every bloody weekdays, and I walked to the train station, and I even have to walk to buy the bloody groceries. I almost puked in the train for the intense smell of alcohol and I've gone through series of blackouts at the most random places just by standing -- and that is OK? But not this 7 hours flight?

Nak sangat ke merasa puasa 16 jam waktu musim panas? Like -- are you effin' kidding me???

I just want to go back home -- for God's sake! Even if it means for a little while! Apa yang susah sangat nak faham?

How FB replaces Wiki to your life questions

There are some things -- you can't really share with your spouse -- especially during a long-distance situation -- mainly sebab tak nak hubby worry too much -- because as far as I know, the inability of man to help you with your problem is a slap to their ego. Like -- man would always want to be the savior, the hero of some kind -- and even when you disagree with their opinions, it really affects their pride. 

Last time I told him about some issues I had with one of my friend here, he advised me on how I can resolve it, and kept asking me how that friend is behaving that day. It was like -- 5 consecutive inquiries on how that friend is behaving -- until at one point, aku rasa bersalah sebab buat dia rasa risau tak menentu -- that I ended telling him that everything is all OK and back to normal.

The thing is -- it's not OK yet.

Frankly, I don't know what the issue really is. It all happened after the visit from my hubby and mum in law. This friend was my lunch partner and almost every weekend, we would've go out to any random outings just to keep our sanity at this foreign land. I mean -- for every event/outings involving any friends here, she would've invited me to join in the lil' party. In a way, I'm used to being in the group -- eventhough at times, I am being ridiculed for my silliness and lurus-bendul nya. I used to mind about it, but I learned that in friendship, you have to let go just to get along with the different people in your life. She did helped me a lot during my start-up at Japan. So, yeah, I kinda owed her much!

And until after the visit -- I realised that she behaved a bit differently -- in the way we converse, communicate and subsequent things after that. At one time, I asked her if she wants to go for lunch that day. She did not reply my text. So, I just proceeded having lunch on my own -- and like 15 minutes later, I saw her coming in the cafeteria. She joined me later, saying that "Oh, baru tengok message tadi." And for somebody who is like online 24-7, to very recently read text that usually beeps during lunch time -- that kind of response -- it's weird. 

And we did not talk much at that time. I mean -- I blabber quite a lot. I have lots to tell from the visit. Yet, I received minimal response -- So, orang kalau tak interested with your story, do you proceed anyway?

That is the first time I told my husband that I feel something is not right there. I assumed that she felt left out during their visit, because I did not really invite her much during our family outings. I mean -- outing apa lah sangat. By Maghrib, usually we are already at home preparing dinner and watching P.Ramlee movies. I did invite her during one of our Nasi Lemak breakfast session -- and we did join with the group for dinner at Thai restaurant -- which does not really fit my husband's or family appetite. 

Husband told me to apologise -- eventhough we may not feel at fault. Dia kata tak rugi pun cakap sorry. But, I feel weird saying sorry for things that I do not know its reason. 

Anyway, days after that I thought we are OK as she asked me if I want to join in visiting our friend's newborn baby, and the tadarus we usually go to. The conversation still feels awkward -- but I just go along with it. 

Until very recently, I asked her if she's going to the airport to send off one of our friend who is going for attachment at Belgium for a year. She responded "Entahlah, tak tau lah.." Going anywhere alone -- during heavy pregnancy -- at night time -- is not something that my husband is too keen to allow. And -- that is the end of the conversation.  

Ironically -- I got my answer through facebook. How lame it may sound, yeah, the FB gave me the answer to my question. She did went to the airport, she's being tagged by another friend which I'm not so close to -- and nope, she didn't tell me her plans while I returned her iron that morning -- which clearly indicates that I may not be in the invited list anymore.

It's a loss really. 

I don't know what happened -- what may intimidate her that makes her act that way -- but -- well, I am myself intimidated. It's a lonely journey out here -- to be apart from your family and loved ones, and to lose a friend that used to be so close to you. 

Such times I remembered of her being very negative towards some people just because of one incident -- of how that people responded to her attempt of making friends. She despises it so much that it became a very negative conversation when it revolves around that person. And now -- that is exactly how she behaved towards me. 

This kind of thing -- happened to me back then. The more I despise a person, the more I would behave exactly like that person. That's when I learned to tone down my negative emotions, being optimist towards people and situations. And I tried not to let first judgment to blind my eyes from getting along with new acquitances. Because at the end of the day, what you despise -- may be who you really are. 

Aku craving hujan batu

It's funny that now I am at the land of sun rise -- where internet is supposed to be unlimited, I seldom update my blog -- although I have tonnes of things to rant about.

Apa yang aku boleh cakap : bloody hell, mahal nya starting up dekat sini.
Which have gotten me very depressed during the early few weeks here.

Anyway -- let's start all over again.

Daripada waktu happy jolly-jolly perasan tourist, sampailah the crashing down the bottom of earth feeling down and blue mode.

Those yang missed a few parts of my life -- yerp, I am currently in Japan, for the next 42 months (3 and a half years) pursuing my PhD. Never in my entire life I would've thought that I would've been blessed with such opportunity.

And… that's my school for the next few years. 

And specifically, this is where I'll be hibernating.

Muka senyum-senyum simpul sebab masih dalam mode excited. I'm quite fortunate that Mr Husband accompanied me for the first 2 weeks until I find a place to settle down and learn a few hicks of getting around.

The first two weeks are fine with me. Looking up for halal food after we got really tired eating fried prawn and unknown vegetable. Halal food -- paling murah is 1000 yen. Ok, mungkin 500 yen kalau kau order roti naan sahaja. 1000 yen is about RM30 duit kita. Hari-hari nak spend 1000 yen untuk satu meal -- memang hilang akal. Duit elaun tak masuk-masuk lagi. Usual -- cliche. Orang atasan push sambung belajar cepat-cepat, tapi nak tunggu financial accommodation masuk dalam tabung dah macam tunggu siput sampai garis penamat. Macam haram~

Tapi paling tak boleh lupa muka pertama kali jumpa makanan halal di sini. Epik. Macam kebulur setahun tak makan. Sedangkan baru 2 hari tak consume nasi ayam daging. 

First two weeks are fine and jolly. Sebab hubby ada sebelah. Asal rasa takut jatuh hilang sesat, tangan aku akan merayap cari genggam tangan dia kuat-kuat. Apa kisah. Dah halal… Tak sempat nak rasa risau, cause he's the type that cheers you at any possible space.

Ada satu waktu random masa jalan-jalan keliling town, mata aku terpaku tengok fresh flowers dekat sini. Musim sejuk, all flowers are blooming -- sangat cantik. Hubby tanya "Nak ke?" Aku jawab dengan soalan "Abang nak bagi ke?" Cliche. Perempuan ni, taknak cakap dia NAK, tapi main tarik tali. 

Suami tak banyak cakap, terus tanya harga, minta packing, bayar dan bagi. Praktikal giler.

Bunga pertama yang dia bagi. And that was 20 days ago. Sampai sekarang hidup lagi. Bayangkan betapa freezing nya weather dekat sini.

Petang dapat bunga tu pun dah cipta satu lagi sejarah. Pertama kali nak buat urine test check pregnancy. My period was delayed for one cycle. Menggigil-gigil buang air atas mende alah tu. Tutup je katup nya, tak tunggu result, terus aku sorok bawah longgokan baju kotor. Mandi dulu. Cuci sana sini. Gila nervous nak tau result. Habis mandi dalam 15 minit, baru pelan-pelan selak baju kotor. Belek tengok habis-habis, sengeh lebar tengok terang-terang double line. Positive! 

Unexpected. Tapi mungkin mengharap juga. Terus ambil wudhu, berbunyi-bunyi sinki waktu aku nak basuh kaki -- shaking endlessly. 

Keluar toilet sengeh-sengeh kerang, tak tau macam mana nak break the news to him. Solat dulu. waktu solat pun menahan diri dari tersenyum simpul. Hubby baru bangun tido, tak suspect apa-apa. Dia terus capai iPad, main Sudoku. 

Lepas solat, doa, lipat telekung, aku terus pergi menyendeng sebelah dia. Jarang nak kacau-kacau dia waktu khusyuk mode sudoku. Tapi ini lain. Aku menyendeng sampai dia rasa rimas, sampai dia kata "Janganlah, tengah nak habiskan game ni…". Aku sengeh. Terus bisik "Tahniah, awak nak jadi Papa". 

Terus tutup Sudoku. Terus tengok muka aku. Terus gelak terbahak-bahak. Terus tanya banyak kali "betul ke". Terus mintak tengok pregnancy test. Terus peluk cium. Gelak lagi. Lepas tu dia menangis. Sambung gelak. Sambil menangis. 

Dan terus ambil wudhu. Dan solat sunat dua rakaat. 

Expression yang susah untuk aku lupakan. My first pregnancy, and our first baby, at a foreign land. 

Alhamdulillah.

The first two weeks was fine. It was hard, but it was fine - and fun too. Never really felt any sense of dismay. It was just OK. Sebab dia ada. Rasa homesick, but not as bad as the feeling now. His presence alone makes everything seems all right. 

I think I gained some weight. Pagi-pagi dia bangun panaskan makanan, bagi minum susu, making sure that there is no room for me to feel hungry. What more can I ask?

2 January 2014 - On the way to Kansai International Airport

Until 2 January 2014 -- the day that I have to send him off to the airport. Waving him off at the departure gate, trying to hold back the tears of not wanting him to leave me -- not now, not at this time. 

But responsibility calls upon. And for that responsibility that we have to be separated for a few months. 

And that is the breaking point of me at this foreign land. The point where everything else does not seem to matter anymore. The point where nothing really excites me. The point when I felt mundane at a whole new level. 

It was a few days after his departure that I still have to stay at the guesthouse and make do with any available bread or sushi for my lunch and dinner. I'm getting sick of the bland and cold food, and at one point, I even get so effed with the weather that I decided to skip going to the lab. The coldness is driving me mad. Nak mandi sejuk. Nak ambil wudhu sejuk. It was such times when you decided untuk seboleh-bolehnya simpan wudhu sampai waktu Asar atau Maghrib -- just to avoid the freezing cold water. The loneliness - tak payah cakaplah. It is so awkward to be in a place where nobody really speaks your language -- or even any language that you understood. 

Pergi lab - kosong.

Balik rumah - kosong.

Pergi kedai - kosong.

How depressed it is to finish off this term -- on your own.

There was once I question peribahasa Melayu that sounded like "Hujan emas di negara orang, hujan batu di negara sendiri, lebih baik hujan batu." I mean --- why do you want hujan batu, for God's sake. It's crazy. It doesn't bring you any good. At least with the emas, kau boleh kumpul untuk jadi kaya-raya so you don't have to work anymore.

Now -- being here, at this foreign land -- that I finally understood the meaning of the peribahasa. I felt it. I felt the urge and the need to be home, to be surrounded with the familiarity, to indulge with things that I like best -- just to be with people that I love and care -- for the food that fits your appetite. It is the point when I don't care about the glory of being here. I just wanna come home.

rasa macam nak smash kepala dia dgn tulang fibia aku.

Sepatutnya aku patut doa : Janganlah supervisor aku "complaint apa-apa", instead of "complaint banyak-banyak".

Sekarang dia sudah buat complaint yang sedikit.  Tapi walau sekelumit pun, tak ada hati aku nak menghadap lagi benda alah tu.  Dude, aku tengah sibuk buat transcribing nak collect fulus pergi holiday ni.

GIla betul, lagi 6 hari nak present nak suruh derive mathematical equation for 2 different tests for 10 bloody specimens.  Sakit jiwa!

Aku nak pergi pantai lah wei!

(@.@)

Bengangnya.

You know how I always hated people who make up personal appointments -- yet didn't fulfill one.  Dinner dates, meeting up, morning jog, etc.  That's why it's called 'personal appointment' -- because I took it personally.

And like any other usual appointments, any cancellation ought to be informed beforehand, and at best be included with an apology.

You know why it pisses me off?  Because when that particular appointment have the potential of going somewhere and eating out, I would dress-up earlier and would not eat anything heavy as I would prefer to enjoy real dish without having to feel guilty for my bloated stomach for eating too much.

Not even an apology?

Dude -- I did not have any real dish today.  My food consumption consist a few bananas, morning kuey teow, some donut, a cup of coffee, and a lot of plain water.  I'm a typical Malay who enjoy a plate of rice daily.  Any rice deprivation affects my rationality.

I'm hungry, and I'm angry.

I have nothing much to say but 'you are a douchebag!'.  I don't think he understand it, but who cares.

-

I'm not sure.
Pissed - maybe.
Irritated - maybe.
Tired - not so.
Fed up - definitely.
Still motivated -  can't tell.
Feel fucked up - i think so.
Do I look like it? not sure - maybe not.
Hate anything? - almost everything.
Why? - i hate feeling like i'm stucked.
Just un-stuck it - the key is at other people.
Call that other people - done, they told me to ask other people.
Go ask the other people - couldn't get through.
Walk past it - i'm running past it.
And so? - Slammed face first on the wall.
Stucked again - yup.
How do I feel now? - hungry.
Go eat something - I will.
Anything else - feel like shopping.
Go do it - still couldn't find any interesting piece of dress.
Sew it then - I will.
Feeling better - maybe.
Smile? (^-^)
Lousy? Still.

Another melancholic blabber while trimming the cat's fur

I can no longer express my feelings like I used to.  Back then, everything is so definite, you are so sure of things that can make you happy and things that you should avoid.  Right now, everything is just grey.  Sometimes I think this can make me happy, but after a short while, the depression comes just around the corner.

I can't explain why I'm feeling this way, and I ended up giving excuses after excuses for the real reasons of my down-time.  I always blame it on the project.  I'm facing multiple road-blocks.  Dealing with non-responsive peoples are so annoying when you're trying complete your work.  Dealing with tricky people is even more annoying that you regretted your decision to cooperate with such particular person.  Everything seems to be at fault -- and it's affecting the way I behave at home.

I used to cherish the simple pleasures of being with the people that I loved.  But then, I'm easily pissed when I can't get my work done.  Everytime I was strucked with that particular uncomfortable moment, I would try my best to erase it anywhere in the memory, and would I go on hiatus -- and it's not a 1-2 days kind of thing.  It's a critical 1-2 weeks kind of issue.  Maybe 3 week.  Sometimes 4 weeks -- bloody 1 month and in my line of career where discipline is the priority--- it's somethings that I can't keep on doing.

I rarely post anything related to my current projects.  It's always about the fun stuff, the great food, the get-away moment.  Heck -- I didn't even share it with the beau -- the one person who I think understands me better than anyone else -- yet, who can't really deal with this technical-academia side of me.  I've been denying this part for so long, but indeed, it is eating me inside.  Back then, there's always somebody whom I can spill any points or share any views that we may have about the academics, but, now that I have the entire semester for myself to complete the final project, I barely meet with the acquaintance -- and most of the time, I am all by myself to complete the project -- I have no one to turn to about this particular topic.

I miss people.  But then, I am picky when it comes to being nice to people.  Last time I met up with Ronnie, and he wore that ol' school squarish cap, it makes me too uncomfortable that deep down, I wished it would be the beau next to me instead.  Even meeting up with old buddy Chiro, and when she spill gossips that I prefer not to dwell into, again I wished it would be the beau sitting next to me and talk all those unsensical stuff he loves to joke about.  I'm feeling old and stucked that my mind kept being reverted to the same person all the time, and yet, that person is the one who I can't really share anything I felt important and serious about.

As for my current project, I'm now doing a very basic study of material strength and strain of paper-based material.  Initially I wanted to analyse on the cushioning behaviour during drop impact.  The idea of it alone excites me because it is the thing that I've always wanted to do, and the study has yet to be conducted -- but then, the cost of tooling for the proposed design would be 20K, which is a total absurdity.  I changed the experimental design -- and by saying change, I actually narrowed it down.  Again, I can't get proper quotation from the testing lab and their slow response just irked me even when I'm trying to come out with a complete estimated cost to apply for associated funding.  Later on the month, the office released a statement saying that the funding for research  has been cut down to half -- and as in my case, there is no more available grant will be offered.  Our country is getting poorer, and it's affecting education fields, and yet, 'they' keep pushing us to do a high-impact research with minimal funding -- and ironically, the ministers would prefer to spend the money on redundant tall buildings in an already dense area.  'Free' research is a total bullshit if you opt for a high-impact study.

So, no money means no tooling, no testing, no nothing.  That is why I now reverted to the very basic study -- which is no longer that significant to my field of study, and no longer exciting as I intended it to be.  Everything is to be done internally, and I am at the losing end when I have already spent quite a huge chunk of money getting the raw material supplies, an amount which can get me a new Macbook Air instead.  And even when the experimental design is being cut to do only the 'basic' stuff, problems still persists.  The testing equipment at our lab breaks down.  And if I were to use from the neighbouring department, they are going to charge the testing fee which amounted to 2 Macbook Air.  Crazy -- indeed.

And now -- I only have less than 2 month to complete everything -- and nothing have been done.  I'm fed-up going back and forth to the lab with minimal progress.  I'm bored doing the writing part when I haven't even started with the intended experiment.  I freaked out at the idea of having to postpone my study which definitely means longer bonding period -- which is something that I am NOT looking forward to.

And my room is a mess, it still smells of cat's pee.  And I had another minor not-talking term with the beau.  I kinda hate most post published on FB, especially the one with pictures of married couple in it.  Watching TV now makes me feel like an obese.  Everytime I turn on the computer, instead of working on the paper, instead, I played with the FB games, or reading gossip columns -- which makes me feel like a loser.

So, yes.  I am officially feeling low.

Furball chaos 2 - Pee culprit

I found the culprit who have been making blunder in my room -- my bed -- with their stinking pee.  It's not my cat.  It's an outsider cat, who eventually hop in my room through the good ol' window!  I just went down for a short while, kicked my cat outside to let them do the poo and pee thing, and few minutes later, spotted this one particular stray cat running, scrambling in the house, shocked upon being spotted in the house -- which makes me wonder how the hell did he ever comes in -- and immediately I rush to my bedroom as fast as I can -- to find out that a fresh stinking pool of pee on my bed -- for the bloody fourth time!  It is definitely not the doing of my cats since they're both under my watchful eyes for their poo-pee hour.

I should try the 'orange' tips -- I guess.

At 2 am in the morning, I'm becoming Elizabeth Gilbert who once cried in her bathroom at the wee hour over her life's complications -- except I don't have any accessible bathroom from my room, and I'm sitting at the corner of my bed -- crying -- over a new pool of pee that I eventually have to clean!  My life's a total mess!

And I'll definitely be sleeping on the floor tonigh.  (T_T)

Cramped

Period cramp should be granted with sick leave.  Like -- break from any single freaking thing you're doing.  It's the kind pain that is often associated with labour pain.  Although not as bad as the actual one, but close enough.

Those women that have not experience any period cramps is blessed - i tell you - blessed!  Here's how it's like.  You sit, you're in pain.  You stand, you're still in pain.  You lie down, the pain ain't go nowhere.  It's just there sticking inside your tummy all the way to your private parts making every second felt like hours of torment.  It's like your intestines are twisted and crumpled in that tiny tummy area.  Often, you would imagine how amazing it would be if you can detach your tummy at just put it in the cupboard until the pain subsides.  Men who throws tantrums should be given a glimpse of how the pain felt like before they can say how ridiculous women can be on their PMS season.

How can I sleep when I have tons of tasks to be completed by this Sunday..?  Yet, how can I be awake when this twisting sensation lingers in my tummy..?

Ergh!!!  Sakit woooii!

Lelaki yang PMS

Men - is a weird creature.
They would not admit that they're weird.
Their PMS is worse than women's PMS.
They throw tantrums like a sick kid craving for candies.
They can turn a happy jovial mode into a shitty bucket shits with one scenario.
Mr Bean can only be acted by a man because that's just what they are - weird weird and plain weird.
Oh, and they are the one living in denial by blaming it all on the women's shoulder.
Sick!

bikin spoil mood jula juli hari raya 2

Tau tak perkataan 'lollipop-meringue' sebenarnya adalah suatu unsur yang tidak pernah wujud dalam mana-mana  vocabulary of culinary practice although the name is inspired from actual dishes?  Inspired tidak bererti wujud.

Meringue -- sebab it is so complicated-ly beautiful.
Dan lollipop -- because it's simple.

Lollipop-meringue : just my own quirky way of having a name for this place.
Lollipop-meringue : a non-existent composition.

And so -- google-ing for lollipop-meringue during your free time at the office is ridiculous.  You don't have the same mind as I do, do you?

Google-ing for dash-azian blogspot?  Now, that's just plain bollocks.
See the header.
*Smirk*

Tempat itu yang tak ada waktu malam

Photo credit here

It was such a beautiful place.  The sky is so blue.  The lake is clear green.  The place is surrounded with nicely trimmed greeneries.  At the other side, you can see the beach, with clean white sands.  It is a place that never sleeps -- in the sense that it is a place without any night, for the day will be a daylight, followed by another daylight, and another daylight.

Mak is standing by the magical pool that looked shallow and will magically deepen for some deep jump.  "Don't worry... You won't bump your head on its floor.  You see..."  And she jumps, and got out -- safe without any bumps or head bruise -- smiling, laughing...

Abah is sitting by the porch, resting, enjoying the sceneries.

And my sister is sitting inside, reading books in the most leisurely manner.

I wondered how did we ended up being in this beautiful amazing place -- like a paradise -- not that I know how a paradise would look like.

And suddenly an invisible voice -- more like particles of thoughts being emitted inside my mind.  It says, 'this is the place where all the people are gathered -- the group of people that will be the eternal member of hell -- for this beautiful place is just a temporary site -- where every beauty and happiness will soon be replaced with misery and pain by the fire of hell.  These are the people who got pregnant out of wedlock, illegitimate childs, adultery ---

And I looked at my mom, my dad, my sister -- astonished and sad -- 'isn't there any chance for repent?  Come, let's ask for forgiveness before it's too late!'

'There's too little hope.' My sister said nonchalantly while continuing reading her book.

'Then why are you still sitting here, laughing and being happy when you know that you will soon rot in hell?!'  Scared - definitely.

And the mum smiled.  And the dad smiled.  'Because this is our only chance to enjoy these happiness, before our departure to that place.'

And the day passed by, as I looked away through the window, at the nightless place, with the clear beautiful sky, with cumulus clouds that looked like a cotton candy, and the flying birds, and clear blue-greenish seas -- and ironically, I can never feel happy at this beautiful place.  Worry for mum.  Worry for dad.  Worry for sis.

And then I woke up.  I can't remember whether it is 3am or 4am at that point.

Man -- that is the most weird and terrible nightmare I have ever had.  It's like misery in beauty kind of thing.  Scary!

bomb

Just when I think everything is right on track, he dropped the bomb.

KEBABBOO...!

And memories dragged your mind back to the past.
For it happens over and over again.

Mr H.

Bikin hati bengkak betul layan group mate.
Foreigner.
Macam tak faham bahasa.
Dan perasan bagus.

Dia email his part of task, "Hi M, the following is my part for the assignment.  Sorry for the lateness."

Aku tak kisah the so-called-'lateness'.  Tapi aku kisah kalau kau submit answer scheme yang bulat-bulat dari dalam buku, tapi tak tally dengan soalan yang diberi sebab itu menunjukkan betapa short-mindednya student zaman sekarang.

So, aku balas, "Salam H.  Sorry to bug you, but you didn't complete part (d) and (e)."

Dia balas, "Hi M.  I know that.  Just left it blank.  I don't think Dr. N gonna look to it as detail."

Hah... H here is famous for his arrogance and cockiness in the class.  Ask anyone, they'll give you the same remark.  Like the statement "I know that" as if he knows everything, and it is often being said in the class, even to the lecturer.  Or re-stating the lecturer's remark like "Actually, it goes like this..." when it's the same point as the lecturer is telling -- in a restructured sentence.

Kau ingat lecturer bodoh bangang ke?  I mean, he remembers my project, he remembers who didn't present, he remembers things you think he ignores- so in my opinion, there's no such thing as toying him around thinking that he's stupid, because so far, he's the one with the doctorate qualifications, and not you.

And you're here to learn, not to take the easy way out.

Fine... fine...

No way I'm going to leave it blank.  I am part of the group.  I can't jeopardize the group's reputation when everybody is striving to make it work.  So, I'll do the part that you're so freaking lazy to do.  And definitely it's going to have my name imprinted on the work done.  It's a fair game.  And everybody wins.

P/S : yang kelakarnya, the only group going frenzy over this answer scheme adalah the foreigners group.   As if answer scheme yang sepatutnya jadi guideline saja adalah lubuk makanan penuh chocolate Willy Wonka dan kau baham tak ragu-ragu dan kau terlupa Willy Wonka itu is one tricky fellow, and you only realise it when you turn blue after eating the chocolate.  Yeah, metaphorically speaking.

I need Oprah Winfrey

One of these days - I get tired easily...

I mean, like, stamina-ly tired, physically tired, relationship-ly tired...
Maybe it's reaching to the borderline of being fed-up over things.
Like, ada orang boleh hidup berpuluh-puluh tahun dekat ceruk yang sama, jadi siput batu dekat tempat yang sama, mengharap ada orang yang akan kick their butt supaya mereka dapat berpindah ke batu lain yang lagi cantik without any effort to even move, yet, they doesn't feel guilty for themselves and the people around them, whereas I still moved on, climbing steps by steps, ladder by ladder, pace by pace, and yet, I'm still tired - as if deep down there's something wrong somewhere yang aku tak achieve or simply something yang aku belum habis selesaikan - yang macam burden yang slows down your movement.  As if, aku ada dekat point yang mana aku dah tak nak tolong orang lagi, dan aku nak jadi selfish, dan aku nak orang pula tolong aku and doesn't blame me if things go wrong...

I need that boost-moment.
Like any 'aha' moment yang boleh buat aku bergerak lagi.
And that idea of a somebody yang faham what I'm trying to say, rather than listening yet not understanding a single thing I'm trying to tell, dan admit that "i'm a good listener, so I should be with you" kind of thing - because listening is not just about listening.  

You know what I want?  Aku nak sorang Sherlock Holmes yang specialty-nya adalah meneroka dan menyelesaikan misteri-misteri dalam kepala otak aku, yang lengkapkan sentences yang aku tak dapat fill up, that somebody yang boleh bukakkan pintu-pintu dalam kepala otak aku supaya dapat cahaya matahari pagi yang menyihatkan - sebab at this point, I can't even find the key to the door of my brain.

Like - mesti tak faham kan?

I think I need that therapy session with Oprah Winfrey.

critical

Gigi bongsu ada lubang.
Besar gila babi.  Ok la, mungkin tak sebesar babi, but you know what I mean.

And I just noticed it today.  Initially I thought it was some tulang ayam tersekat di celah gigi ku yang cantik itu.    As I poked and probed and korek-ed, debris and particles of white element came off -- and it's the chipping teeth.  Which is why lubang itu menjadi terlalu besar.

Serius aku rasa macam orang tua sekarang.
Dan aku menyesal makan chocolate pudding malam buta.

Esok kena jumpa dentist.
There'll be only 2 option, either filling, or remove it.
Takuuuuutt!!

Although I should be familiar with dentists and the teeth inflicted pain due to my record of braces-year back then, but tooth filling and tooth removal are the one that freaks me the most.  Seriously.

Bongok betul gigi bongsu.  Belum tumbuh habis, ada hati nak chipping pula.  Argh!  Gua trauma!  Gua trauma!!!

I wish for a male doctor, please.
(and a hot male doctor is a bless).
(and a good smelling charming male doctor is even better).

Memang nak jadi bias dalam hal gigi.  Experiences of dental treatment with female doctor only manage to make my gum bleeds or treated my head like a volley ball yang dikepit di celah ketiak.

:-(

Doakan aku selamat...

blanco aja love itu

I've got the date wrong - well, technically, I remember it.  Wished it right on time, earlier even.  Is this the fifth year to be wishing the same event at the same date to the same person?

Anyway, I'm not even sure how it happened.  It's too fast, that sometimes I wonder how the hell did we ever survive all these years.

Just a stupid misunderstanding.  Some things can actually be cured by ignorance, not by igniting it.

Apa-apa pun, he makes me realise of a person I never knew I could be.  You know, when knowing somebody reveals your dark personalities, or when talking to some people, you can actually become all pervert, or making me being bubbly is something not everybody can do.

I can be obsessively clingy when you want me to care.  I can be as cold as turkey when I'm broken.

Fine, you want it that way, we'll have it your way.
You win.
And I'll do whatever I want, hang out with whomever I want, dinner date with anybody who cares.
And you don't have to call me anymore at 11pm just to push me to go back home from hanging out with my friends.
Rebound is just a catalyst of healing the broken heart.
Stop caring if you don't.

Happy birthday, budak gemuk pendek busuk.
Goodbye is a cliche - semua orang pun tau.
Kakak aku kata, we're hopelessly devoted kind of people.
Hopeless lah now.   Couldn't hope much anymore.

Thanks ya - for these jumbled emotions.

p/s - funnily it all started with pil chi-kit-teck-aun dan minyak angin on 24th June 2005.  Penat korek hijaukatak for memorabilia.

Tiada yang setanding kemarahan wanita

Sepatutnya borak-borak dalam telefon malam tadi should've been a fun part, where we were both laughing and making jokes.  Until Xiao referred to something about my past, which ended up affecting  him, and me.  Especially at my healing process (read: moving on phase), I don't think any reference to the bleak hours would be such a great help.

Which resulted with a stupid dream about the bald jerk who've affected me damn much.
And a lousy waking up moment - thinking about the bald jerk - and about Xiao.
Dan pagi-pagi dah rasa irrititated. 
Later, finding out that my mobile phone's battery is drained.  Upon charging and switching it on, to wait about a freaking 5 minutes, and NO messages or missed call from Xiao. 

Oh, beep!  1 missed call from an ex-classmate - which reminded me that today is 12 December 2009 - the day where I am supposed to graduate the Executive Diploma programe as the best student of 2008/09 batch, and here I am at home, trying my very best to forget everything about it.

Like - depressed gila weh!!
Not so 'cotton-candy' anymore...