There are some things -- you can't really share with your spouse -- especially during a long-distance situation -- mainly sebab tak nak hubby worry too much -- because as far as I know, the inability of man to help you with your problem is a slap to their ego. Like -- man would always want to be the savior, the hero of some kind -- and even when you disagree with their opinions, it really affects their pride.
Last time I told him about some issues I had with one of my friend here, he advised me on how I can resolve it, and kept asking me how that friend is behaving that day. It was like -- 5 consecutive inquiries on how that friend is behaving -- until at one point, aku rasa bersalah sebab buat dia rasa risau tak menentu -- that I ended telling him that everything is all OK and back to normal.
The thing is -- it's not OK yet.
Frankly, I don't know what the issue really is. It all happened after the visit from my hubby and mum in law. This friend was my lunch partner and almost every weekend, we would've go out to any random outings just to keep our sanity at this foreign land. I mean -- for every event/outings involving any friends here, she would've invited me to join in the lil' party. In a way, I'm used to being in the group -- eventhough at times, I am being ridiculed for my silliness and lurus-bendul nya. I used to mind about it, but I learned that in friendship, you have to let go just to get along with the different people in your life. She did helped me a lot during my start-up at Japan. So, yeah, I kinda owed her much!
And until after the visit -- I realised that she behaved a bit differently -- in the way we converse, communicate and subsequent things after that. At one time, I asked her if she wants to go for lunch that day. She did not reply my text. So, I just proceeded having lunch on my own -- and like 15 minutes later, I saw her coming in the cafeteria. She joined me later, saying that "Oh, baru tengok message tadi." And for somebody who is like online 24-7, to very recently read text that usually beeps during lunch time -- that kind of response -- it's weird.
And we did not talk much at that time. I mean -- I blabber quite a lot. I have lots to tell from the visit. Yet, I received minimal response -- So, orang kalau tak interested with your story, do you proceed anyway?
That is the first time I told my husband that I feel something is not right there. I assumed that she felt left out during their visit, because I did not really invite her much during our family outings. I mean -- outing apa lah sangat. By Maghrib, usually we are already at home preparing dinner and watching P.Ramlee movies. I did invite her during one of our Nasi Lemak breakfast session -- and we did join with the group for dinner at Thai restaurant -- which does not really fit my husband's or family appetite.
Husband told me to apologise -- eventhough we may not feel at fault. Dia kata tak rugi pun cakap sorry. But, I feel weird saying sorry for things that I do not know its reason.
Anyway, days after that I thought we are OK as she asked me if I want to join in visiting our friend's newborn baby, and the tadarus we usually go to. The conversation still feels awkward -- but I just go along with it.
Until very recently, I asked her if she's going to the airport to send off one of our friend who is going for attachment at Belgium for a year. She responded "Entahlah, tak tau lah.." Going anywhere alone -- during heavy pregnancy -- at night time -- is not something that my husband is too keen to allow. And -- that is the end of the conversation.
Ironically -- I got my answer through facebook. How lame it may sound, yeah, the FB gave me the answer to my question. She did went to the airport, she's being tagged by another friend which I'm not so close to -- and nope, she didn't tell me her plans while I returned her iron that morning -- which clearly indicates that I may not be in the invited list anymore.
It's a loss really.
I don't know what happened -- what may intimidate her that makes her act that way -- but -- well, I am myself intimidated. It's a lonely journey out here -- to be apart from your family and loved ones, and to lose a friend that used to be so close to you.
Such times I remembered of her being very negative towards some people just because of one incident -- of how that people responded to her attempt of making friends. She despises it so much that it became a very negative conversation when it revolves around that person. And now -- that is exactly how she behaved towards me.
This kind of thing -- happened to me back then. The more I despise a person, the more I would behave exactly like that person. That's when I learned to tone down my negative emotions, being optimist towards people and situations. And I tried not to let first judgment to blind my eyes from getting along with new acquitances. Because at the end of the day, what you despise -- may be who you really are.
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