Void Universe

Have you ever woken up to the feeling that yesterday was so far away? That at that point everything seems like nothing? That you walk into a room full of people who barely understands you, let alone you understands them. You are in a town dense with population, yet you felt like you are on your own. It is the day your body react autonomously and you've become robotic. Emotionless. That every dynamics of your body is working against your will -- doing what is right, yet yearning for the opposite.

It is the day you become a grumpy party pooper for any silliness that once made your heart laugh with joy. You watched the movie 'Lost is Translation' and concluded how ridiculous the movie is -- yet deep down you know the essence of the movie is exactly how you feel right now -- which got you thinking if you too are becoming a ridiculous being?

You are breathing, yet you are suffocated. It irked you that you sprayed a whole lot of your favourite fragrance -- yet as you walk out and let the air breeze sweep you, you smelt nothing. Your sight, your senses -- all felt nothing.

Numbness. Like a void space of universe is now densed in your head. Numb.

Pouring to heart's content

Everytime I feel like posting something to my heart's content --- aku selalu terpikir, will the entries posted offend or hurt other people in one way or another...?

Eventhough it's just merely my thought and it's screaming to be poured out and let the day goes by peacefully. It's just a page where nobody really realised its existence -- except for some few blogger friends... Like -- 3 orang je kot...~~

Back and forth, back and forth...

Finally, I resorted to the Iphone's Notes application.
Haih -- so long for being true to oneself.

Hidup dah lain sekarang.

Random Dream Way Back Back Then

I know this sounded stupid. But I found this text in my hard disc -- dan rasa sangat sayang untuk delete... Yet, I need to declutter my hard disc... 

So -- might as well put it somewhere.

I wrote this -- betul-betul lepas bangun tidur. You know, the kind of dream yang buat kau rasa macam sesuatu -- like -- some critical part of life that you don't want to miss.

Haih. Apa ajalah. 

***

Ini satu kisah – kegilaan yang tercetus – ilham dari mimpi – di satu pagi hari, dengan hujan renyai-renyai – mendamaikan.

“Apa kata kita lari ke Sydney?  I have always wanted to go there.”  Kata gadis genit (teman wanita kepada adik hero) dengan cemas.

“Boleh juga, it’s a very organized place.  I’ve been there, dan suatu tempat yang bagus untuk settle down, dan lari dari kegilaan ini.”  Kata heroin, gadis cantik, tinggi, dengan cheekbones yang menjojol keluar, paras seakan supermodel jepun yang berwajah tegas.

“Tapi macam mana?”  kata si lelaki (adik hero), sedikit tembam, bermata sepet, tetapi kelihatan sungguh manis dan lucu – dan seperti seorang yang berhati mulia.

Semua terdiam.  Termasuk si pemandu yang sedang memecut, melalui kawasan kebun pisang – hero yang mempunyai rambut seakan Ariel Peter Pan, tampan, ganteng, berpakaian ‘kimono’ tradisi Jepn berwarna hitam.  Dia mempunyai pilihan untuk kembali kepada kemewahan dan kesenangan yang dikecapinya dalam hidup yang serba hitam, atau menjadi si papa yang memulakan hidup baru.

Dia memilih menjadi papa – kerana seorang wanita.  Dia dikejar baying-bayang hitam itu kerana seorang wanita.  Dia terpaksa membunuh penguatkuasa itu, kerana seorang wanita.

Dan ini telah mencetuskan 4 watak baru di dalam kisah hidup mereka, dan tanpa mereka sedari, keputusan yang diambil pada hari ini adalah sesuatu yang bakal mengubah corak hidup mereka selamanya, menjadi impian yang bakal mereka kecapi dengan cabaran yang membuatkan sesiapa sahaja mahu berada di dalam kasut mereka.

Perbualan ini telah membawa mereka kepada technician di kapal terbang (hero), pramugari (teman wanita adik hero), tukang masak di restoran berhampiran lapangan terbang (adik hero), dan pegawai di jabatan pendaftaran Negara (heroin).

Hanya satu matlamat mereka.  Mereka cuma ingin lari dari perangkap samar itu, dan mulakan hidup yang baru.  Mudah.  

***

Lepas tu, aku terbangun tidur. 

Kita tau...

Duduk jauh dengan orang tersayang ni -- dugaan dia lain macam. Just as I said in one of my previous  entry; tawakal -- is about putting trust on something that you cannot witness.

Siapa kata senang.

Alhamdulillah, bertuah dapat suami yang mampu redakan hati yang selalu berbolak-balik macam taufan. Waktu hati tak tenang itu lah dia guna tutur bahasa lenggok yang paling molek yang buat kau rasa macam falling in love all over again.

Gituuuuuu...

Dan aku sangat suka orang yang boleh buat aku untuk tidak marah lama-lama.

Mudah aja ayat dia -- kita tau siapa pasangan kita sekarang.

Dalam banyak-banyak becok yang dia tuturkan, itu yang paling melekat dalam kepala sampai hari ini. Harap berkekalan. 

Quote of the day

Dalam hidup seorg wanita, mesti wujud seseorang yang boleh switch on their "bodoh" bulb.

(quote by Nurul Syahida Kamarudin)

 Now, that's why you're a novelist!  Haha!

restrain

Aku sedang menahan diri dari membuat suatu kutukan yang dasyat~




---- sebab saya sedang puasa.

Commonalities

I'm getting bored of this commonalities.
The common talks.
The common douchness.

Bila nak naik lagi satu anak tangga ni?
Saya dah penat tunggu...

Or should I just sprint upward all by myself?

I've read somewhere that if somebody restrict you from becoming the best of you, leave it and move on.
Tapi if I leave, dia crumble - bottom down.
And if I stay, it will always be at the same level of stairs.
.
.
.
.
How, meh?

To receive -- and to let go

Within this week, aku rasa aku dapat banyak sangat perkara yang menggembirakan yang buat aku jadi ecstatic tak tentu arah considering how lousy the month have been earlier.  Research project is finally moving.  Writing has started at an impressive state.  Main-main buat soalan dynamics semua dapat jawapan.  Reading fictions and memoirs is not ever disrupted.  Equipment yang berkurun rosak has amazingly been repaired in just a week.  Jalan-jalan tengok show houses pun aku dah gembira.  Dapat khabar dari best friend pun dah seronok.  Kenal lab technician yang baik hati has really made my day.  Berita baik dari supervisor buat aku rasa 'wow'!  Kredit kad pertama warna emas adalah baru untuk aku.  Semua dari Tuhan. Semua dari Tuhan.  Semua dari Tuhan.

Tapi aku rasa --- for all this simple yet amazing things (and feelings) I received, I think it's an indication that I have to let go of something else, in return.

And today might be the day --- I think.

hello miss no personality

Everytime I feel like I have something to post in this blog -- it always ended up as me being too hooked up with examinations, or daily malfunctions, or projects, or work, or -- ehem -- dates, and such.  So, here's some of the things that I can recall which I intended to publish last time.

***

Lux | G8

Kucing aku, kalau buang tebiat, macam ni lah perangainya.  Boleh tahan jugak shutter speed mobile phone rampok aku tu.  See the curves of her tongue-- creepy!  Like - it can lick you all the way to your face.  See her in smaller version (here).  Never realised how much she have 'blossomed'.

***

Chain smoker, mamak-ing | Sony digi-cam

The thing about chain-smoker is that -- no matter from any angle you look at-- puffing the smoke is definitely an ugly scene... Ugly, I tell you (refer mouth - eh, serombong - eh, ekzos).  Next time, maybe he should stop smoking entirely.

***

Gardens - Mid - Alamanda | Sony digi-cam

The last time Mr B asked me out last few weeks, I was a bit hesitant -- considering that I still have another report yet to be submitted, and another paper to study on.  Tapi, akhirnya, tumpas jugak.  Berfoya-foya over books?  Come on~  

I was using the excuse of wanting to scout for the Ferragamo Eau de Toilette, hoping that the price would crumble down during this season of Christmas.  How wrong was I -- everything is as expensive as it is.  Mr B tak tahan duduk tempat perfume yang exclusive lama-lama -- felt so out of place.  Well -- so am I.  We ended up opting for movie "Aku Tak Bodoh" by which the hall is filled with high-schoolers, and meanwhile awaiting for the movie, snapping Christmas deco - and I wonder who the hell would ever design a Santa that looked like he just got out of the prison (atas).  Evil gila.

***

Ayam Penyet Api | Sony digital cam

Later that evening, we had our -- err, lunch at Ayam Penyet Api, and finally I am able to continue with the pending report while Mr. B puffing his ciggie and devouring the "Api" asam pedas.  As we are taking off, he was looking intensely at this one chick, that made me turn my head to look at his direction.  "Macam kenal je..." and yeah, they do know each other masa zaman belajar dulu-dulu...kot....

"Hi... kau buat apa dekat sini?" she asked.
Me, smile.  Waiting to be introduced.

"Kerja... " Mr B replied.
Me, smile.  Still waiting to be introduced.

"Kau kerja dekat mana?"  she asked.
Me, smile.  Hey, I know that answer.

"Puchong.  Kau buat apa sini?"  Mr B replied.
Me, smile.  Tik tok tik tok.

"Ha..jalan-jalan je." she replied.
Me, smile.  Yeah, waiting.

"Sorang je ke jalan-jalan?" Mr. B asked.
Me, with a fading smile.  Cursing -- dalam hati.

"Sorang je lah.  Dengan siapa lagi."  she replied.
Me, awkward.

"Eh, ni sapa ni?" she asked, indicating at me.
Me, smile.  Argh, finally.

"Ni..... Kawan je."  Mr. B replied.
Me, smile.  Dalam hati -- babi.  Smile.
And they chat again --- making me feel awkward -- tempting me to just leave those two alone and while paying for the food.
Maybe I can just drive back home straight.  It's my car after all.  It's my money that paid for the food indeed. Kawan je kan.

Admittedly -- I was a bit emotional-lah on that remark.  He justified by saying that that's how I introduced him if I so happen to pass by my colleagues.

The thing is -- I never seem to pass by any of my acquitances while hanging out with him.  If somebody asked, he would normally be referred to as 'cik abang'.  And, yes, I do refer him as a 'kawan' -- only to my parents.  Like -- gila ah kata nak keluar dengan 'cik abang' waktu malam hari dekat mak abah?  Do that, and they'll come out with a restraining order for you from going out -- ever.

Here's how I perceive 'kawan' - aku-kau, no need to update every freaking day, hanging out at weekends, sharing scandalous secrets.

Aku-kau with him?  Nak kena maki?
Miss the updates for one day?  He'll be in front of the house soon.
Sharing scandalous secrets?  Nak kena bunuh?

You see -- it's not really a big issue -- but looking back at the history, I already drew a clear line -- it's no longer a fine line -- it's a clear big bold 10pt thickness kind of line -- separating between how 'kawan' and 'special partner' should act.  I don't want it to be in the grey area anymore, and with all due respect -- kindly refer me as the person whom I should be referred as -- or if you prefer to put me in that grey zone, kindly tell me in advance, so that I can smack your ass and come out of it before the walls came crumbling down on me all-over-again.

* * *

B for Buncit | Sony digi-cam

While taking the lift to the 2nd floor of the building, he asked me, why him -- who is always broke by 10th every month.  No teddies nor expensive gifts.
I replied, "sebab awak gila.  dah susah nak jumpa orang gila macam awak lagi"

Truth is -- maybe I'm the one who is crazy.  I am miss no personality, who only exudes my personality with people I am comfortable with - like him.  I am a boring nerd, who became whacky and bubbly and full of antiques -- with him.  I seem like a easy going miss-OK-everything, but became a tough chick - with him.  He defines my other persona that I rarely get to show with anyone else -- not even my family -- truthfully speaking.

That's why, it's him -- I think.

***

Bread butter pudding | Canon 400D

Aku serius suka baking.  Like -- baking is how happiness being channeled through my veins.  Ok, I'm exaggerating.  Honestly, aku serius suka baking, especially when the recipe works fine, and when people is happy with the things I baked.

Which always makes me wonder.

Kenapa aku suka tengok masterchef, top chef, ANTM, Project Runway .... and yet took courses in engineering?
I should enroll in culinary.
Or graphic editing.
Or publishing.
Or fashion design.
Or -- anything in that creative line.  Life would've been in a different turn then.

And... maybe I'll be fat -- for consuming high amount of sugary edibles.

***

Timepiece| Canon 400D

He is not the romantic type.  No roses, or tulips, or daisies.  Not even fine dining at expensive restaurants.  Or the cheesy type who'll give a bouquet of chocolate.  Not even a card -- except for Hari Raya -- which was like 3 years back...  No ring -- because he know I'm the clumsy type who always ended up losing the ring.  Only one rock-chic necklace.  Not shoes -- because he buys shoe for dudes, not chics.  No romantic songs with sweet lyrics.  No need gorgeous flowing dresses with thick make-up with him.  He'll confuse the glossy lips with minyak-makan-cekodok -- and thick eye-liners and fake lashes as hantu -- and white flowing dresses with 'ponti' dalam hutan.

Let's say -- he's more of the practical type.

Well, the earliest b'day present I ever got - with a very chic top-- and coming from him, this is very very very meaningful.

***

I just found out that I am an aunt to a hot err-- 2-pupu of mine.  A Kelantanese pulak tu.  My sister is overly-excited informing me about the relative who are spending a night at our place last few weeks.  She claimed that that 2-pupu of us looked like Mr B, with less hair.

I disagree...  I think he looks better!  Haha!

Among the earliest question he asked my dad about me upon our first encounter that morning was if I'm already married or not -- and he was literally shocked when dad told I'm not indeed.  Sitting in the kitchen, sipping my morning dose of caffeine while listening to a guy talking with my dad asking about my marital status is funny.  Very soap-opera-ish.  Do I look that motherly-auntily with 2 kids kind of material ke dude?

Anyway, he hopped by our place again last few days to pick-up some things her grandma left at our place from the last visit.  Eventually, no, I didn't know he would come.  It just so happen that as I open my bedroom door, he is right in front of me at the hallway, walking towards the guest room, which is right next to my room.

And -- the fact the he looked at me, wearing that purple floral boxer with the body-fitting black top -- makes it another series of soap-opera-ish kind of scene.  Cepat-cepat tukar seluar panjang.  Went downstairs, just in time to hear that emak told my sister to remind me to wear a more proper-sopan attire.  And I replied non-chalantly -- it's too late -- by which my sister laughed hysterically upon my remark.  Of course she knows I wore a boxer at that time.  It have always felt safe wearing that in the house.

Anyway -- he's hot.  Cute.  Friendly.  Have a nice pair of shoes.  Amazing jaw line.  Nice cheekbones.  With a Kelantanese slang -- sila bayangkan.  Ok, boleh gelak.  What is it with me and Kelantan people.  They sounded really funny, and yet, I am attached to one.

***

I always wonder what is it about Sidney Sheldon that I never got tired with his books, even after 2-3-4-cycle of rereading.  I am a person who is easily bored, and Sidney Sheldon never seem to cease my excitement in reading his work.  I can finish him in 1-2-3 days the most.

And then I got it.

It's his simplicity.  It is always in short sections, that makes you easy to stop wherever you want to, but just keeps you going on and on and on.  It is so easy to read his books, and it's the type that makes you feel like you've learned something instead of feeding your head with unfamiliar jargons.  Instead of showing the intelligence of the author (which always ended up as a complicated mixture of ideas that confuses you), he goes along with you, making you understand everything.  He plays with your emotion -- that as you flip to the last page, you will just sit back and wonder what would've happen if the character took a different direction.  The characters he created simply comes alive.

Like, I recently read 'Rage of Angels', and it is as if characters like Jessica Parker and Adam Warner and Michael Moretti really do exist in some part of this world.  That book have a pretty dramatic ending.  For the past three days, it keeps me wondering if Jessica's life would've been better if she told Adam about her pregnancy, or would Joshua would still be alive, or if Jessica would just avoid Michael Moretti at that one critical part, would her career boom towards a more better direction?  At one part, with all the mafia killing and gruesome murders, it got me thinking about -- death.  Something that I haven't thought of for quite some time, and it sent me shivers while going to sleep that particular night.

That's it -- and it suits my preference.

***

Klang | Canon 400D

Yesterday, watched Narnia 3D with Mr. B.  The 3D-effect does not seem as dramatic as seen in the trailer.  Oh, and without any translation, Mr B is yawning endlessly while uttering his "boringnye" at the upteeth time throughout that 2-hour duration.

Checklist -- no forklore classical english fantasy Lord of the Ring-ish kind of thing with Mr B next time.  Upon watching Narnia, I was thinking, kalau si singa tu is that freaking powerful, why do they have to go through all that trouble to collect those 7 swords to release the so-called magical-mantra kind of thing against the evil?  Call the lion lah, ask him to scratch his paws onto the sands -- pooff, problem solved.  Save the 2-hours.  Haha!

I carried along the 400D as part of the fhoto-hari-hari kind of thing.  I think, I can come out with my own collection of blurry images of myself -- a whole magazine of it -- like seriously.

Ok lah, I'm exaggerating again.  I also took a dozen of blurry images of him as well.  Haha!  Will not be posting it as respect to the 'owner' face copyright kind of thing, and so, bear with me, and me, and me.  Hey, it's my blog after all.

And ahhhh!!  Finally a good picture came out of it.

And definitely the side-way look favourite.  Finally!!!!  A descent shot of myself which is not with tripod.  Content!  Haha!  Till then~

Lelaki yang PMS

Men - is a weird creature.
They would not admit that they're weird.
Their PMS is worse than women's PMS.
They throw tantrums like a sick kid craving for candies.
They can turn a happy jovial mode into a shitty bucket shits with one scenario.
Mr Bean can only be acted by a man because that's just what they are - weird weird and plain weird.
Oh, and they are the one living in denial by blaming it all on the women's shoulder.
Sick!

float

The thing about A&W Root Beer is that it has such a distinct taste that when you mix is with vanilla ice-cream, you get the perfect blend of ice-cream float and you'll never be tired of the taste -- unless if you're working at A&W itself lah.

Just had my cup of pantry-made ice cream float.  Yummy!