Another melancholic blabber while trimming the cat's fur

I can no longer express my feelings like I used to.  Back then, everything is so definite, you are so sure of things that can make you happy and things that you should avoid.  Right now, everything is just grey.  Sometimes I think this can make me happy, but after a short while, the depression comes just around the corner.

I can't explain why I'm feeling this way, and I ended up giving excuses after excuses for the real reasons of my down-time.  I always blame it on the project.  I'm facing multiple road-blocks.  Dealing with non-responsive peoples are so annoying when you're trying complete your work.  Dealing with tricky people is even more annoying that you regretted your decision to cooperate with such particular person.  Everything seems to be at fault -- and it's affecting the way I behave at home.

I used to cherish the simple pleasures of being with the people that I loved.  But then, I'm easily pissed when I can't get my work done.  Everytime I was strucked with that particular uncomfortable moment, I would try my best to erase it anywhere in the memory, and would I go on hiatus -- and it's not a 1-2 days kind of thing.  It's a critical 1-2 weeks kind of issue.  Maybe 3 week.  Sometimes 4 weeks -- bloody 1 month and in my line of career where discipline is the priority--- it's somethings that I can't keep on doing.

I rarely post anything related to my current projects.  It's always about the fun stuff, the great food, the get-away moment.  Heck -- I didn't even share it with the beau -- the one person who I think understands me better than anyone else -- yet, who can't really deal with this technical-academia side of me.  I've been denying this part for so long, but indeed, it is eating me inside.  Back then, there's always somebody whom I can spill any points or share any views that we may have about the academics, but, now that I have the entire semester for myself to complete the final project, I barely meet with the acquaintance -- and most of the time, I am all by myself to complete the project -- I have no one to turn to about this particular topic.

I miss people.  But then, I am picky when it comes to being nice to people.  Last time I met up with Ronnie, and he wore that ol' school squarish cap, it makes me too uncomfortable that deep down, I wished it would be the beau next to me instead.  Even meeting up with old buddy Chiro, and when she spill gossips that I prefer not to dwell into, again I wished it would be the beau sitting next to me and talk all those unsensical stuff he loves to joke about.  I'm feeling old and stucked that my mind kept being reverted to the same person all the time, and yet, that person is the one who I can't really share anything I felt important and serious about.

As for my current project, I'm now doing a very basic study of material strength and strain of paper-based material.  Initially I wanted to analyse on the cushioning behaviour during drop impact.  The idea of it alone excites me because it is the thing that I've always wanted to do, and the study has yet to be conducted -- but then, the cost of tooling for the proposed design would be 20K, which is a total absurdity.  I changed the experimental design -- and by saying change, I actually narrowed it down.  Again, I can't get proper quotation from the testing lab and their slow response just irked me even when I'm trying to come out with a complete estimated cost to apply for associated funding.  Later on the month, the office released a statement saying that the funding for research  has been cut down to half -- and as in my case, there is no more available grant will be offered.  Our country is getting poorer, and it's affecting education fields, and yet, 'they' keep pushing us to do a high-impact research with minimal funding -- and ironically, the ministers would prefer to spend the money on redundant tall buildings in an already dense area.  'Free' research is a total bullshit if you opt for a high-impact study.

So, no money means no tooling, no testing, no nothing.  That is why I now reverted to the very basic study -- which is no longer that significant to my field of study, and no longer exciting as I intended it to be.  Everything is to be done internally, and I am at the losing end when I have already spent quite a huge chunk of money getting the raw material supplies, an amount which can get me a new Macbook Air instead.  And even when the experimental design is being cut to do only the 'basic' stuff, problems still persists.  The testing equipment at our lab breaks down.  And if I were to use from the neighbouring department, they are going to charge the testing fee which amounted to 2 Macbook Air.  Crazy -- indeed.

And now -- I only have less than 2 month to complete everything -- and nothing have been done.  I'm fed-up going back and forth to the lab with minimal progress.  I'm bored doing the writing part when I haven't even started with the intended experiment.  I freaked out at the idea of having to postpone my study which definitely means longer bonding period -- which is something that I am NOT looking forward to.

And my room is a mess, it still smells of cat's pee.  And I had another minor not-talking term with the beau.  I kinda hate most post published on FB, especially the one with pictures of married couple in it.  Watching TV now makes me feel like an obese.  Everytime I turn on the computer, instead of working on the paper, instead, I played with the FB games, or reading gossip columns -- which makes me feel like a loser.

So, yes.  I am officially feeling low.