Apa yang aku boleh cakap : bloody hell, mahal nya starting up dekat sini.
Which have gotten me very depressed during the early few weeks here.
Anyway -- let's start all over again.
Daripada waktu happy jolly-jolly perasan tourist, sampailah the crashing down the bottom of earth feeling down and blue mode.
Those yang missed a few parts of my life -- yerp, I am currently in Japan, for the next 42 months (3 and a half years) pursuing my PhD. Never in my entire life I would've thought that I would've been blessed with such opportunity.
And… that's my school for the next few years.
And specifically, this is where I'll be hibernating.
Muka senyum-senyum simpul sebab masih dalam mode excited. I'm quite fortunate that Mr Husband accompanied me for the first 2 weeks until I find a place to settle down and learn a few hicks of getting around.
The first two weeks are fine with me. Looking up for halal food after we got really tired eating fried prawn and unknown vegetable. Halal food -- paling murah is 1000 yen. Ok, mungkin 500 yen kalau kau order roti naan sahaja. 1000 yen is about RM30 duit kita. Hari-hari nak spend 1000 yen untuk satu meal -- memang hilang akal. Duit elaun tak masuk-masuk lagi. Usual -- cliche. Orang atasan push sambung belajar cepat-cepat, tapi nak tunggu financial accommodation masuk dalam tabung dah macam tunggu siput sampai garis penamat. Macam haram~
Tapi paling tak boleh lupa muka pertama kali jumpa makanan halal di sini. Epik. Macam kebulur setahun tak makan. Sedangkan baru 2 hari tak consume nasi ayam daging.
First two weeks are fine and jolly. Sebab hubby ada sebelah. Asal rasa takut jatuh hilang sesat, tangan aku akan merayap cari genggam tangan dia kuat-kuat. Apa kisah. Dah halal… Tak sempat nak rasa risau, cause he's the type that cheers you at any possible space.
Ada satu waktu random masa jalan-jalan keliling town, mata aku terpaku tengok fresh flowers dekat sini. Musim sejuk, all flowers are blooming -- sangat cantik. Hubby tanya "Nak ke?" Aku jawab dengan soalan "Abang nak bagi ke?" Cliche. Perempuan ni, taknak cakap dia NAK, tapi main tarik tali.
Suami tak banyak cakap, terus tanya harga, minta packing, bayar dan bagi. Praktikal giler.
Bunga pertama yang dia bagi. And that was 20 days ago. Sampai sekarang hidup lagi. Bayangkan betapa freezing nya weather dekat sini.
Petang dapat bunga tu pun dah cipta satu lagi sejarah. Pertama kali nak buat urine test check pregnancy. My period was delayed for one cycle. Menggigil-gigil buang air atas mende alah tu. Tutup je katup nya, tak tunggu result, terus aku sorok bawah longgokan baju kotor. Mandi dulu. Cuci sana sini. Gila nervous nak tau result. Habis mandi dalam 15 minit, baru pelan-pelan selak baju kotor. Belek tengok habis-habis, sengeh lebar tengok terang-terang double line. Positive!
Unexpected. Tapi mungkin mengharap juga. Terus ambil wudhu, berbunyi-bunyi sinki waktu aku nak basuh kaki -- shaking endlessly.
Keluar toilet sengeh-sengeh kerang, tak tau macam mana nak break the news to him. Solat dulu. waktu solat pun menahan diri dari tersenyum simpul. Hubby baru bangun tido, tak suspect apa-apa. Dia terus capai iPad, main Sudoku.
Lepas solat, doa, lipat telekung, aku terus pergi menyendeng sebelah dia. Jarang nak kacau-kacau dia waktu khusyuk mode sudoku. Tapi ini lain. Aku menyendeng sampai dia rasa rimas, sampai dia kata "Janganlah, tengah nak habiskan game ni…". Aku sengeh. Terus bisik "Tahniah, awak nak jadi Papa".
Terus tutup Sudoku. Terus tengok muka aku. Terus gelak terbahak-bahak. Terus tanya banyak kali "betul ke". Terus mintak tengok pregnancy test. Terus peluk cium. Gelak lagi. Lepas tu dia menangis. Sambung gelak. Sambil menangis.
Dan terus ambil wudhu. Dan solat sunat dua rakaat.
Expression yang susah untuk aku lupakan. My first pregnancy, and our first baby, at a foreign land.
Alhamdulillah.
The first two weeks was fine. It was hard, but it was fine - and fun too. Never really felt any sense of dismay. It was just OK. Sebab dia ada. Rasa homesick, but not as bad as the feeling now. His presence alone makes everything seems all right.
I think I gained some weight. Pagi-pagi dia bangun panaskan makanan, bagi minum susu, making sure that there is no room for me to feel hungry. What more can I ask?
2 January 2014 - On the way to Kansai International Airport
Until 2 January 2014 -- the day that I have to send him off to the airport. Waving him off at the departure gate, trying to hold back the tears of not wanting him to leave me -- not now, not at this time.
But responsibility calls upon. And for that responsibility that we have to be separated for a few months.
And that is the breaking point of me at this foreign land. The point where everything else does not seem to matter anymore. The point where nothing really excites me. The point when I felt mundane at a whole new level.
It was a few days after his departure that I still have to stay at the guesthouse and make do with any available bread or sushi for my lunch and dinner. I'm getting sick of the bland and cold food, and at one point, I even get so effed with the weather that I decided to skip going to the lab. The coldness is driving me mad. Nak mandi sejuk. Nak ambil wudhu sejuk. It was such times when you decided untuk seboleh-bolehnya simpan wudhu sampai waktu Asar atau Maghrib -- just to avoid the freezing cold water. The loneliness - tak payah cakaplah. It is so awkward to be in a place where nobody really speaks your language -- or even any language that you understood.
Pergi lab - kosong.
Balik rumah - kosong.
Pergi kedai - kosong.
How depressed it is to finish off this term -- on your own.
There was once I question peribahasa Melayu that sounded like "Hujan emas di negara orang, hujan batu di negara sendiri, lebih baik hujan batu." I mean --- why do you want hujan batu, for God's sake. It's crazy. It doesn't bring you any good. At least with the emas, kau boleh kumpul untuk jadi kaya-raya so you don't have to work anymore.
Now -- being here, at this foreign land -- that I finally understood the meaning of the peribahasa. I felt it. I felt the urge and the need to be home, to be surrounded with the familiarity, to indulge with things that I like best -- just to be with people that I love and care -- for the food that fits your appetite. It is the point when I don't care about the glory of being here. I just wanna come home.
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