Not Exactly Blank {...}

I am in a melancholic mood -- points are jotted without apparent sequence.  A long entry, without apparent reason.  Just need to throw it all out.

I have no idea how to split my time effectively -- in the sense of focusing with my studies, the coming exam, my part time project, and the partner.  Seems like the latter is seeking too much attention -- indeed, extreme attention that my main focus deviates from my priorities.  Relationship -- is not one of it, and yet I am tending too much of my time trying to make him happy.

Honestly -- all the outings is done for the sake of the other party, and as for me -- it's only a half-hearted activity.    Gila, memang gila, tapi gila cuma best if you have all the time for yourself, and no lingering examinations to worry about.  This time, it's different.  It's not one of those foundation science program, it's nothing close to the undergraduate years, it's not like working in the industry -- it's too comprehensive that you felt like it's a scope of a 5 years of courses.  Too much, that you're not sure if you can cope.

And honestly, I prefer to focus on the first one.

Yet, my biggest weakness is I can't say no, even when my heart is not into it.
And my biggest challenge is trying to reason these kind of thing to 'his' kind of people.  Sometimes, you wished you met someone who knew the things inside your head without you trying to voice the idea -- because very often, my words seems to be like a ceramic knife to some people's heart, even when I think it's not.

Malam tadi, entah apa nasib mimpi pasal manusia bangsat yang buat aku rasa macam pantyliner - guna, pakai, dan buang.  The dream would always revolve around the dialogues that I wished I would've said, the act that I wished I would've showed, things that I wished I would've done -- before getting too carried away into that deep dark relationship.  Yet, I have gone through that deep dark relationship part.  It's darkness, but you insist that it is the 'light-in-a-tunnel' kind of thing, which is the most heartbreaking part.

Siang pula, met up with the partner.  Ada certain circumstances yang buat aku wonder how the hell can I bear with these.  Like, 6 years ago, aku akan melenting, I can go for weeks without texting or calling, and my ego would be the one that dominates my emotions.  But now, you just have to swallow it, and let it go, pretending that it's not really a big deal, when it really is -- to me.  Then aku realise, maybe sebab I have other bigger priorities, then I prefer not to dwell too much on that petty issue.

Malam-malam, buang tebiat apa entah click the married photo of Tok Putih.  He seems happy -- and it is really good for him.  Not that I'm holding grudge or anything.  He really deserves that amazing beautiful wife  sitting next to him.  I mean -- I don't even know this guy.  But, I used to spend RM60 credit over a single phone call to him.  He used to call me and chat with me for hours -- you know how I am always intrigued with people who can turn me into a bubbly person.  You know there's no such thing of 'if only' when you are here, now, at this precise second.  To think about it, it's a good thing that I didn't met up with him, even when the chance is there.  It makes this moving on process much easier.

To talk about moving on, often I tend to just let go and try to put it back in my head instead of reminiscing to much about it (except for this moment) -- and it's taking its toll in my personal life.  As part of the moving on process, I became a forgetful person, forgetting simple things, yet, the things that I intended to forget just stays there, lingering around the memory space.  Maybe I pushed the wrong button, maybe the system blew somewhere.

Aku tak tau nak doa apa lagi dekat Tuhan.  Aku cuma doa untuk mak ayah aku, kadang-kadang untuk kakak abang, kadang-kadang untuk kawan-kawan.  Untuk diri sendiri?  Honestly, malu nak minta macam-macam bila diri dah macam ni.  It's like, no matter what you do, ko ended breaking your vows - over and over again.

Orang tengok luar aku, nampak macam budak baik, konon intelligent, konon kreatif, tiba-tiba foreigner classmates semua korek cerita pasal asal-usul latar belakang ko, buat ko rasa terkejut bila depa tau lagi banyak dari apa yang kau cakap, depa kata siapa yang duduk dalam group aku untuk apa-apa project, pasti dapat keputusan cemerlang.  Entah betul, entah tidak.

Dalam aku, aku rasa aku rotten.  Beriya nak tunjuk yang aku happy -- defensive act dekat musuh-musuh yang cuba cari info buat bahan dalam blog ni.  Siapa nak tunjuk vulnerabilities dia dekat orang yang dia tak suka, beb?  Tapi bila fikir balik, kenapa kena hold back emotions semata-mata nak jaga imej depan mata orang yang kau tak suka?  Quite frankly, aku dah tak peduli pasal orang-orang yang pernah tuduh aku macam-macam tu.  Ada ke, tak ada ke, stalking ke, like, so what.  Aku tak boleh jadi happy 24-7 sebab aku manusia.  One of those days, macam ni lah aku.  Memang luar nampak gembira, macam serba lengkap, dalam, aku hilang something.  One big void space of uncertainty.  Buat aku rasa, apa 'gembira' yang aku ada ni sebenarnya mockery Tuhan untuk aku, sebab tak ikut outline yang dia bagi.  Aku tak ingat terminologi-nya.  See -- another forgetful moment.

I've read somewhere, that when inflicted with certain conflict, people tend to throw away their emotions, and choose not to fell anything.  That's what I think I did.  Nothing to really describe this emotion.  It's just void.