bingung sial

Sometimes I think I'm going nuts.

During the day, I'm happy as a bunny, hanging out, letting myself loose in the rare moments of minimal assignments, even going to the banks for some savings felt like receiving a nobel price achievement.  Layan tv sambil main kucing dengan anak saudara seolah akulah manusia yang mempunyai emosi yang paling stabil di alam semesta.

And at the night, I'm crying over things that reminded me to all those happy thoughts - normally kalau kau teringat happy thoughts dengan orang yang buat kau sakit hati, kau akan jadi lebih sakit hati kerana membiarkan diri kau bergembira dengan manusia hampeh sebegitu and try to reason out every single excuses that makes you a victim.  But, I thought of our happy thoughts, and cried of happiness (gila loony statement ni).

And then watching The Biggest Loser US version dan menangis.  Tengok Merlin pun menangis.  Tengok CSI pun nak menangis.  Apa mental lah budak ni.

Later, I'm going grumpy over his words and threw my mobile onto the bed sambil mengomel "bodoh" atau "shit gila" atau "asshole" dan main internet (gila kau nak baling phone dekat dinding, aku masih rasional dalam hal material sebegini).

Lepas tu kami bermaafan, which is supposed to make everything back to normal.  But when you are at the age of 'mid-life-crisis' era, that's not really the case.  Both of you ended up dwelling deeper into the issue which makes both of you have a terrible headache dengan persoalan-persoalan berat yang hanya menambah kepada keguguran rambut.  (Dan atas kerana itu aku tak pernah bincang isu berat macam masalah negara dan dunia di dalam blog because I'm ignorant, and I have my own problems in hand.)

I hate it bila dia mengeluarkan statement as if aku ni socially retarded just because he thinks I spend to much time on the internet.  He's not here, how can he know how my social level is?  He said : belajar bergaul dengan ramai orang dan bukan berkawan melalui internet jer supaya otak tu lebih berkembang.  What the fuck?  Remember the time when my life is filled with lots of friends - who's being grumpy?  He is.  Who's being overly jealous..??  He is.  Who's been stopping me from spending too much time with my friends?  He is.

Ok, fine.  Aku sambung masters in engineering, thinking of doing my dissertation on design of biomimetic underwater robot itu, otak aku tak berkembang lah?  Aku spend time dekat internet tengok updates dengan journals, cari info untuk assignments, otak aku tak berkembang lah?  Aku chatting dengan a lecturer from poly Sarawak, tanya opinion dia about teaching methods and manufacturing processes, otak aku tak berkembang lah?

Ok, mungkin dia rasa aku ni obsessively clingy.  Mungkin otak aku cuma berkembang dalam bidang akademik, dan tidak berkembang dari sudut sosial.

Jadinya, guess what.  In an effort to make my brain socially-developed, aku melayan phone calls dari P-Ahmad2 dan menjadi wanita yang 'jinak'.  Ingat aku tak pandai ke perbualan sosial?  Hey, I can talk about business to engineering to politics if I'm driven by the right person.  So, adakah otak aku berkembang?  Hell yeah, he's good.  And he helped me a lot with my car.

Lepas tu kata aku curang..??  Siapa yang lepaskan siapa, bai??

Mak confius, nyah.  Mak confius.

Malam-malam menangis, baca mesej dia dan marah macam Hulk, P-Ahmad2 call dan aku bergelak ketawa macam orang gila sambil buat lawak loyar buruk sesama sendiri ---

Haih, dunia ini amat mengelirukan.  Bingung sih.