I always wonder -- will people remember me when I'm gone? Do I make any impact to be remembered as me, a person with a name, and with this quirky mind?
I am always being clouded with the perception that I am one mundane person, who have nothing interesting to offer, not such a great companion to spend time with, and always with the idea that "saya budak baru belajar" and so I do not excel and I tend to be portrayed as somebody who is not a pro with what she's doing.
I am always being overshadowed by other people who is more bubbly, more pretty, with the more so-called-attitude. Tell me about it... High school, where I am just a friend of that pretty chick who happens to live nearby her house. Pasir Gudang, I am just the new girl who is often being overshadowed by that cocky german graduate who steals my idea and I can't even stand for my own right. Shah Alam, I am just that new executive who have no idea of what she's doing and who hated her job so much upon knowing about the job. Melaka, I am just that new tutor who have no published paper and not in such a great term with the dean and the timbalan dekan.
If we are to be grouped in a pyramidal hierarchy, I always feel that I am at the bottom one. I don't know if people will remember me. I always feel like I will be the forgotten one.
Do you know how heartbreaking it is to being humiliated and underestimated in front of public for your imperfections just for trying to learn new things? It felt like your life is being contracted into a very tiny bottle, suffocating, strangulating. You feel like the loser who can't be cured.
Being with Azmul, albeit the blunders, he makes me feel like I am the one. I feel like I AM the one. I know I complained a lot, but his existence in my life makes me feel like I am something. Totally sesuatu. It feels so good to be known that you are special to somebody, not the one whom people forgot.
I have this worry -- that if I return to Melaka, nobody will remember me being back, that I won't have any workstation because nobody knows that I will return, that I have to be re-introducing myself because they can't remember me. I'm scared about that idea of being forgotten.
When you're studying, you don't have to worry about all that because you always come in group, you can hide behind that group and lecturers will always forget. So, it's not such a big deal. But then, when you're working, you're expected to stand up to everything. Which makes people wipes the bosses asses just to be recognized. I can't be that. I may be polite, but I can't be charming. I have no sweet talks to offer because I bond by trash talking.
Later on, amazing stories were being heard after I left that place which initially I feel like I am 'the forgotten one' and 'the one who does not matter'.
For the bosses who repeatedly mentioned my contributions in their meeting that I never thought mattered. For the group director who praises my information dissemination system behind my back. For the subordinate who favours me against the new boss whom I thought despises me. For the other worker who greeted me although I've left that company for a good one year and I can't even remember the person greeting me. For the fellow academic members who remembers the graphic editing I did for the Faculty magazine, and still wanted me to contribute for the great layouts.
It feels good. At least I know I did something that mattered -- at least, I know that I leave behind something good to be remembered.
I am not bragging -- it is just a note to remind me that I can be something as long as I stay true to becoming myself. I don't have to be all miss goody-goody with the boss just to get the praises. I don't have to treat the bosses dinner just because he have the power to make or break my KPI.
And yes, I do feel good if people still remembers me for my contributions that I am proud of. Yes, all of us will still be forgotten -- but at least we should be happy enough to know that we have contributed something -- although just a small token of goodness -- but at least, it is something. Something is better than nothing.
Praise to God for this blessings. Alhamdulillah.
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