Classic case of a curious cat

There was once in my raya moment when I feel like I want to scrap all my internet networking sites -- except for blogger and instagram. 

It means deactivating facebook, twitter and everything in between.

The thing is -- since my FB friends are populated with students -- and since I am in a relationship with another colleague at the workplace, posting 'double-meaning' entries are no longer fun as it used to. People will start speculating about our relationship, and since he is the more popular one among the bunch, I just knew I can never have that many 'likes' to my status as he is. 

Intimidated. Maybe that's how I felt.

It gets even worse when he replied to my status uploads with his very own status uploads. And since he is not really the person who appreciate the art of 'double-meaning' status, everything will come crashing back at me. 

Intimidated. Again.

The same goes with twitter. I felt highly irate when he followed a friend of us -- but did not followed me back -- eventhough I know I rarely post anything on my twitter these days. But to follow a friend than to follow your own 'wife-to-be' just made me question my value in his life. Benda remeh, tapi it bugged me lah.

Aku boleh bayangkan dialog yang keluar dari mulut dia "Value apa lagi yang awak nak saya buktikan? Tak cukup ke apa yang saya bagi selama ni? Awak dah nak jadi bakal isteri saya, semua pun dah sedia, value apa lagi yang awak nak saya tunjukkan." Ok fine, aku exaggerate. Haha! 

Anyway -- the FB are populated with too many irrelevant informations that the timeline is flooded with items that messes your head.  Like -- entries orang promote gambar raya dengan buat gaya duckface, and multiple entries from his EX. I mean -- why does his EX has to add me in his 'friends list'? (**Why the hell that I have to accept the friend request, in the first place???**) I am a classic case of a curious cat. Thus, do not tempt me because I cannot resist temptation. Walaupun aku tau he is the type who is able to maintain a friendship status with his Ex, but, I'm just not sure if I can take it reading all melancholic entries from his ex about orang dengkikan dia and stuff. Macam dude --- go get a life and post something meaningful instead.

Instagram and blogger is more of my solace than being the source of my irate moment. Insta for the graphics therapy, and blogger as my psychiatrist.

Talking about deactivating the FB and twitter, I even thought of 'mute-ing' myself in the friend's whatsapp group. Having a relationship with someone who used to be your best friend is not as easy as it seems. It created one such moment when I feel I have to take a step back and be away from my remaining besties at the office -- and just deal with my emotions on my own.

The thing is -- my best friend is his best friend. It is complicated when I can no longer behave or talk to him like I used to when we're just friends. Nowadays, we get easily intimidated with one another. Things that I thought was funny may not be so funny for him anymore. Things that I used to smash are the things that he can't take from me. Tapi -- boleh dari orang lain. Just not from me. 

Kecil hati.

Yes, aku rasa intimidated when I am treated differently than my friends -- like we used to -- sebab dari boleh bercakap segala benda, it has been restricted too much that I can't do this, and I can't talk that way just because we are at a different phase of relationship. Even though we are at a whole different level than just being 'friends', but at times, shutting me off too much made me feel like I am at a lower level than the 'friend' zone.

Sometimes I feel deprived of my personality.

La ni, kerja sama, kawan sama, partner pun sama, most of our stories revolve around the same thing,  and having a different view than the other party often causes either one of us to feel intimidated. 

Dugaan orang nak kahwin je ni kot. Am still trying to adjust to this situation. I should know better. The 1-2 years phase of the relationship is a very tricky part -- the main reason why I am always hesitant to be involved in a new relationship.

Oh, dia baru call tanya khabar. Tiba-tiba rasa all relaxed and chilled. Macam tau-tau je mood tengah weng-weng. Kan bagus kalau macam ni selalu :)
Salam Syawal.

Till then,

M.