Clueless

Have you ever felt clueless -- of everything -- anything -- and feeling depressed for not having control of the things that surround you? You, who was once a confident person, and take actions driven by your own motivation and principles -- NOW, are just not sure if you are making the right choice -- the right turn in life.

Clueless.

And so, for the past 2 days, after coming back from the Northern trip (and that I will blurb at a separate entry), there's a point in life when I felt so void and vacant that nothing really sparks me to do anything useful. I mean, I have tons of things that I need to settle before flying across the globe -- like, the teaching module, the journal committee work, research proposal, accommodation in Japan, the wedding preparations -- THE wedding preparationS (purposely emphasising the 'S' for the plural connotation) -- it is better that I do something before everything tumbling down on my head dan jadi kelam kelibut.

But -- typical me -- when I am disturbed with something, I usually put on hold every 'to-do-things' in my list and reminisce (read: doing nothing) about it. Bad, bad, BAD habit!

Maybe that weekdays are nearing -- and some text received from Mr-Future-Husband about his "ada hal on weekdays" thing really disturbed me in a way that I can't express. Maybe there is something about the tone of his voice when I called him yesterday just bugged me in way that messes up with my sane mind. 

"She was starting to feel tiny. His depressions had a shrinking effect on her, unlike his playfulness, which buoyed her so wonderfully" - Excerpt for Single Men, Dave Hill.

So -- while deciding to put everything on hold, and just watch some meaningless shows aired in TV, while playing with the cat, that's when the family starts asking about Mr-Future-Husband visit to the house next month, and his family, and the theme colour for the wedding, and the colour the family ought to wear - bladiblablabla - just at that point when you decided NOT to think about it, that that is the point when people SHOVE it to your face -- it just gets overwhelming. 

And so, I locked myself in my room just to be away from talking anything related to the wedding.

Talk abut being a bridezilla -- that is one very lengthy post imma gonna do later!

And funnily -- all went well with a single phone call from Mr-Future-Husband with his newly refreshed jolly tone and amusing stories.

Simple. Plain simple.

Just like you said how much I behave as the people around me behave, that's exactly how a person's mood can influence my emotion.

Lalang -- whatever.

Jovial people made me a better person.
If you think I'm being bitter about things -- then there must be something about the way you behave that made me bitter.

Plain simple.