Missing the Past

I was reading through my old entries in this blog -- precisely, the timeline when I did my Masters-- and realised how much I missed the wondrous part of me. In a way of saying that doing my Masters are : (1) the time of managing time on my own, (2) going to the lab only whenever it is deemed necessary, (3) hopping by the library when I feel too effed up with the tiny space of my room, and (4) meeting with the supervisor only when I am fully satisfied with my thesis. 

As a reward to myself for accomplishing certain task, I often window shop, or just enjoy the evening breeze by the Klang seaside, or explore new dishes in KL or Selangor and enjoying it to the very core of my being. 

I feel free -- free to explore other things apart from my Masters project and enjoy more of life -- back then. Or maybe -- because of the partner-in-crime at that time, who allows me to explore to new places, which gives a great rejuvenating 'aha' moment.

Aku sangat suka 'aha' moment.

I LOVE the 'aha' moment.

It's like getting a new light and a new perspective. 

The system here -- is a bit different though. I understand -- it is PhD -- for God's sake. There's more serious stuff going on there. But I feel stucked going to lab only to read through the journal that I've printed as part of my preliminary background study. People here seems to be too engrossed of being in the laboratory at each specific time, when in my humble opinion, when it comes to reading articles from literatures, it can be done -- basically anywhere.

I have my laptop with me, the article with me, why do I have to do it in the lab when everyone is too engaged in their own work and makes me feel even more miserable for not being able to communicate with anyone in a room full of human being. It just doesn't click in my sane mind.

Furthermore, going to the lab means that I have to carry my heavy laptop with the ipad that contains the mindmap and all the articles that I intend to cover -- walking -- in the coldness.

Talk about the coldness -- I realised that winter does not really suit me well. 

I mean -- yeah, snow flakes are cute and magical and everything, but the coldness restricts me from being active -- for example taking bath twice a day. Nowadays, I can't stand going to the toilet at nighttime because I will shiver endlessly since the heater are not installed there. 

Taking a bath in the morning is painful too. I keep going back and forth thinking if it's a good idea to open the door that separates my hall to the toilet area because of the sudden wave of winter will swoosh by and gave a shock to your entire biological system.

Haih -- long justification on why I despises going to the lab during winter. 

This week marks the 3rd consecutive days I missed going to lab. I'm bored -- quite frankly. I keep on whining to my husband on my feelings of losing the kick in working with the PhD project. I mean -- he knows very well that I am a workaholic when it comes to doing things that I like -- and studying may be part of it. 

But I just feel -- bored -- and empty, man. Exploring to places here does not excite me as much as it used to. I have friends to hang out with -- but it's not the same excitement as going out with the husband or other friends. 

It's like -- principle nya macam ni lah -- when you go to a new place, you get excited, along with the friends that accompany you. Macam -- double excitement, double jakun, double teruja. But when you went to a new place with people who do not think that place is new, it just drops down the excitement level -- quite frankly. Like -- being too jolly and excited over the new sights just does not sync with the situation.

Ok fine, maybe I'm being overly complex with everything.

I just feel bored. I missed home, terribly, and I missed my husband, and friends.

Talk about friends -- I finally decided to leave the WhatsApp group (refer previous entry). Mungkin didorong oleh sesuatu yang orang yang aku sayang cakap pada hari itu -- Sometimes I think I am overreacting over everything -- but I just can't stand not being able to understand the conversation they talk about, or the jokes they're texting in the group. I feel left out -- in a way. Intimidated -- sometimes. Eventhough there's nothing to be intimidated about -- really. And then I felt silly for having that kind of emotion.

Ahh, typical me, being overly complex again. Wished somebody would've understand what I'm going through.

I mean -- berapa ramai yang tau on weekdays, I have to cook, and eat -- alone. Sometimes bawak bekal, sometimes just starve until end of office hour and balik laju-laju, masak laju-laju -- dan kemudian makan -- alone. Nak makan dekat cafe boleh, but lately, the food is not tantalising enough for my pregnant appetite. Depressing kot. But, do you tell all that to your friends? It's like -- hey, get a grip! Stop whining, get some new friends, we don't know what to do or what to say, but you just have to be strong.

Be strong. (bergema ayat tu dalam kepala otak aku, everytime).

Be strong.

Be strong.

Be strong.

Saying it is one thing. To live through it is a different thing.

I hope tomorrow gives a better light to life.

Seriously.