Such moment when you want to press the button 'PAUSE'

So last week, I've presented the contents of my research proposal to my sensei. The above is just snippets of the proposed framework, and there's another attachment in full 'essay' format given to him. So, he commented that my linkages of the gap in the study to the proposed method is still fairly weak. The 'how to' part is still very vague and needs further clarification.

I've spent too much time gathering the gist of the study background and hoping the the 'how to' part will eventually be inspired throughout the project execution. And so I have to re-look into it again -- and the thought of immersing myself back into reading another mount of journal articles --- is really -- uninspiring. Writing the method without executing it is really driving me crayyyyy-crayyyy.. I just can't wait to get my hands on the actual simulation process -- but I can't do that because time is running out and I only have a mere 3 weeks to submit my written proposal -- So, literally, it means back to the writing process.

So I ended up ponteng going to lab for 2-days this week, and just getting the info straight from home. Lab's access to internet is quite limited -- plus the messed up office layout that I have to deal with is just too uninspiring. I mean -- why do I have to sit in the lab just to review and extract information from journal articles when that can be done just outside the lab environment?

Boleh kata that I have to start everything from ZERO -- sebab the study may require some programming and simulation -- things that is not really in my niche area. So, the thought of "Kenapalaaaaa aku pilih tajuk ni" very often fly through my head and the temptation to just procrastinate is too overwhelming. However, nak procrastinate pun -- nothing much that I can do here -- in pregnant state. Macam -- nak lepak kopitiam baca paper and buat kerja -- kena jalan, kena naik train -- and the effort to just go somewhere -- in the summer heat -- is not very tempting.

So -- back to square one. Revise the proposal -- and I ended up studying the mathematical model and smulation process via videos available online. Boleh tahan lah, dapat juga idea sikit-sikit. Macam mentol lampu atas kepala dah mula flicker-flicker. And so today, when I want to get back to the writing process -- that means opening up the document to be revised -- terus mood jadi down balik. Haih laahh... Been looking at that bloody document for the past month -- and to have to look into it again is just --- eeeewwww, yuckie betul!  

I realised, that the journey of this PhD thing -- is more about persistence. Daya tahan untuk menahan sesuatu yang you just feel to effed to look into. Why do I have to do this --- Harap dapat terus tabah.