Jarak

Jarak : 5143 km.

Waktu Facetime aja waktu kami bersua mata.

Kadang-kadang pukul 10. Kadang-kadang pukul 11. Kadang-kadang pukul 12.

Kadang-kadang random hours waktu kerja, atau waktu dia dalam kelas. 

Kadang-kadang tak ada untuk hari itu sebab some extra classes he teach during weekend calls upon him to go back home at midnight -- at times that he expected me to be already asleep -- getting rest for me and the baby - while in reality aku sebenarnya tengah scroll atas bawah atas bawah baca Facebook and Instagram timeline.

Us -- bukan macam newlyweds lain. Experiments with home made foods. Spending the night cuddling on the sofa watching some good or crappy drama. Or keluar on weekends pergi supermarket beli barang dapur. Atau beratur beli pop-corn tengok some newly released movies. Atau cuba baju atas badan lepas tu tanya "Yang mana satu, warna biru ke merah?".

Though I really crave for that kind of home-ly activities, the 5143 km apart does not permit us to be all that. It took 5 to 8 hours of flight, buckets of money, and plenty of annual leaves. 

I am not at a state where I can do physical things as a wife that permits me to collectively gain pahala through blessings from the suami. Kadang-kadang aku rasa ralat -- holding a status as a wife without really serving for the husband. 

Saya tak boleh masak untuk dia, atau gosok baju dia di hari Jumaat, atau picit-picit bahu dia waktu dia lenguh, atau bagi dia makan ubat waktu dia demam. I am not at a privilege yang memerlukan aku untuk bercantik-cantik berhias berdandan bagai di rumah. Kadang-kadang spray minyak wangi dekat diri sendiri untuk boost excitement bagi siapkan kerja yang dibawa balik ke rumah. Mungkin pada mata orang lain, my status as a wife menjadi lebih mudah -- as I just have to take good care of myself -- as a Muslim, as a wife, as a mama to be. Tak ada masalah untuk menjadi selekeh di rumah sendiri. Atau sepah-sepahkan bilik tidur. Atau makan satu jenis lauk sehari. I just have to make sure that I am not too cranky to annoy him at this distance. And to put a sole trust and confidence on things that I can't witness. Untuk tawakal. Untuk redha. Which sounded easy -- but practically, it's not.

I always wonder what my supervisor thought of me. I wondered what my lab mates perceived of me. Heavily pregnant and alone and pursuing the PhD. Like -- what are you doing getting yourself knocked when you decided to pursue for your PhD. Well -- literally -- it's my boss who decided that I needed to pursue for my PhD.

I wondered what my friend thought off when I skipped some hang-out sessions macam buka puasa beramai-ramai with fellow 'perantauans'  -- skipping gatherings and random outings has become a norm these days -- just because I don't feel like it -- just because my butt don't feel like it. My gravitational balance has shifted -- and it's a pain in the butt area -- for real. Nightlife excitements is no longer tantalising for me.  

At this point, aku cuma cherish the Facetime moments. Kadang-kadang itu waktu yang aku look forward untuk pakai gincu, sikat-sikat rambut pakai hair gel sinsing fringe ke tepi and make sure that I sit right below the lampu to make sure my best facial features are captured in the screen. 

At that distance -- cuma itu aja yang mampu aku lakukan.