Ugly Betty

Bukan tak ada cerita.  But then, quite a number of unpublished entry saved in my account.  Past mistakes taught me a lot about writing.  Everything has to be thoroughly considered.  Macam, if you are to publish certain kind of entry, what is the probable consequences.  Hence, stories about third party is often 'saved' instead of being 'published'.   Often, the one that is being published is always about self-inflicted blunders and maybe some portion about the partner.

Dalam dua bulan, akan ada at least once aku akan reminisce about my life.  Call it PMS or whatever, the feeling sucks -- big time.  Akan ada a few event that can make me feel lousy about my current state of life -- macam : a conversation with an acquaintance, googling for an ex-friend name out of stress and boredom,  and some line from Ugly Betty.

When an acquaintance brag to me early this year about how she's been staying at the same company for four years -- dalam hati aku kata "NOT!"  It's not four years.  It's 'entering' the fourth year.  It's not four years.  There's a big difference to the term.  But then, it's the thing that makes her happy and so proud -- so, I keep it to myself.  Kalau masuk tempat kerja tu 2008, and entering 2011, it should be three years instead of four.  Bukan kau kira 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011 as empat tahun because you have not completed the 2011 cycle as of yet.  I know it sounded petty, but I have issues when people brag about something that is questionable.  Petty, tapi annoying.

Bila orang brag pasal berapa lama dia kerja at one place, aku akan terfikir pulak berapa lama aku dah kerja since my 2006 graduation.  In my case -- May 2011 would've total-up to 5 years of working life.  5 freaking years.  Dapat kerja masa belum habiskan thesis pun, so you know how lousy my thesis writing turns out to be.  But, I don't really care as long as I passed -- after all, I got the job that I love already.  Orang lain enjoy masa final exam, aku sedih kena pergi Johor sorang-sorang kembali bekerja lepas seminggu cuti untuk final exam.  Lepas graduation, kroni-kroni pakat kumpul ramai-ramai petang hari ambil gambar baling-baling topi dengan jubah biru gelap selendang oren, aku pilih untuk celebrate with family instead since I have to pack up the following day to go back working.  And on and on and on about working until this past one year -- where I finally get to relax -- have a long break -- with ongoing salary.  Itu pun still gatal cari side income.  Tapi -- to think about it -- 5 freaking years -- what have I really achieved?

Lepas tu, waktu melancholic, aku googled the name of people that once happen the be in the path in my life, yang satu waktu dulu curi idea aku tapi taknak mengaku -- and to found out that he or she has become a divisional manager at some company.  Pergh -- serious rasa one kind.  Bukan lah aku jaki pasal dia jadi account manager while I'm still dwelling with engineering based career, still reporting to head of department, still have to deal with fellow acquaintances.  Tapi terfikir kenapa orang yang gitu senang benar naik jadi orang atasan?  Yes, admittedly that person have an amazing PR skills -- which is clear why people would favour that kind of person to lead.  That kind of situation just makes you think of where you are, now, right now, at this second.

Later on, layan pulan 2nd last finale season of Ugly Betty -- urgh, the line that makes you reflect to your own life.  Macam bila Betty dapat another job offer that allows her to travel to daym interesting places, Justin tanya "How do you know if it's the right time to move on...", Betty jawab "You will know it when the time comes".  My type of moving on sebenarnya sebenarnya lebih kepada melarikan diri dari kegilaan drama that was inflicted in my life back then.  I kind of grab any opportunities as long as I don't have to face that ugly situation and those ugly people that causes it.  I just wanted peace in my life -- and I got it, and difficulties says 'hello' in a very different angle.  It just makes me wonder -- yang aku dok move on ni, is it the right choice?  Is this what I really wanted that I presume can make me happy till the day I die?  Kau tau kan, betapa orang macam Oprah simply inspire me -- in the sense that she's doing the thing that she's happy with, and she get so much more by doing things that she labelled as her passion.

Apa passion aku?  Kalau nak kata design work is my passion, bila dah 24-7 aku kena menghadap technical drawing, aku sendiri rasa nak termuntah.  Kalau nak kata buat cookies passion aku, tapi bila dah buat 4 tray dah rasa macam nak patah tulang riuk that you wished you're in bed instead of moulding the cookies.  Kalau nak kata graphic design passion aku, honestly drawing aku gila babi macam sakai.  Kalau nak kata blogging passion aku, dude, it's just a space for my ramblings.  Kalau nak kata photography passion aku, come on -- technical know-how on photography pun aku hancur.  Kalau nak kata being an academician passion aku, memang aku rasa one kind of joy bila aku manage to complete lecture hours and answer the student's questions, tapi aku paling benci the in between of becoming an academician.  Honestly, I have no idea.

Aku stress sebenarnya ni -- my project is still dalam initial phase -- aku dah rasa buntu.  Aku benci bila kerja aku tertangguh kerana nak menunggu keputusan pihak lain.  Aku boring buat kerja yang cuma aku aja nampak apa yang nak dibuat.  Aku nak companion in the sense of somebody yang boleh buat a conversation scope becomes wider -- macam suddenly 'ting!!' dapat idea.  Apa tu orang panggil -- constructive conversations!  

Unfortunately, bila aku stress, aku shop.  Sounds bitchy.  Tapi gaji bulan ni memang sangat cepat dihabiskan.  Aku ngada-ngada buat dental checkup.  Kalau doc suruh pasang braces balik, mau beribu jugak melayang.  Lepas tu, gatal nak join kelas memasak.  I mean -- hey, this is new.  Beli baju entah berapa banyak.  Asal si gemuk tu ajak tengok wayang, aku ikutkan aja.  Sampi hujung minggu ni, sumpah tak ada rasa nak sentuh apa-apa pasal project.  Asal baca satu article, aku dah tertidur.  Heck, aku baca the classic Alice in Wonderland pun aku tertido.  Terpaksa consume caffeine every morning just to get me going.  Rasa macam nak duduk rumah aja, layan castle, layan the good wife, layan how i met your mother, layan entah berapa siri marathon next top model, melekat tengok feature pasal Heidi Klum -- lepas tu rasa guilty gila babi sebab gaji berjalan tapi tak komited buat research.  Sambung bukak literatures -- tertidur balik.

This emotion will certainly subside.  Tapi it felt so damning.  Bukan kata tak bersyukur dengan situation sekarang -- i  mean, a lot of people would've wanted to be in this place, cuti sepanjang tahun, tapi gaji tetap masuk macam biasa, tambah elaun yang pelbagai.  Cuma -- apa tu orang panggil -- entah lah dude, aku pun dah malas nak recall terminologi2 yang boleh bagi perjelas emosi aku waktu ni.

Aku rasa aku kurang excitement pulak dalam tempoh waktu ni.  Mungkin mundane.  Tak cukup berdebar-debar untuk rasa bersemangat bangun pagi setiap hari.  Bila tak cukup berdebar, fresh blood could not be pumped efficiently to all critical sections -- macam the brain -- tu sebab asyik rasa mengantuk selalu.

Mungkin lah kot.  Nantilah, esok2 aku cari excitement baru.  Kasi goncang sikit jantung ni.